Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[maybs]

Okay, a few things are rambling around in my head this morning and have been the past few days. And I know that they don't matter at this point in time because my W has shown no indication of calling off this D or wanting to work on the R.

That being said.

I find myself contradicting my own thoughts and flip flopping on my M. I will think to myself that I want my W back, not that I need her back, I don't need her I'm quite fine on my own but I do want her.

I think "I miss her so much" but often can't seem to pin down exactly what it is that I miss, like in day-to-day life I really am perfectly content to be on my own. And yet I feel like something is missing and I think it's her. But then I think about "if she were here right now what would be different?" and I often have a hard time answering that question as well. Many times all I can come up with is "it just would be" or "I just do"

Then I think about the fact, like I said I want her, but sometimes I question if I could take her back. I think about the things she would need to do and I'm like okay if she agreed to those things definitely yes. And other times I think to myself even if she did those things definitely no.

And definitely no, contradicts the fact that I do want her. So then why would I say no?

I don't know. I know it isn't even something I need to worry about and on the whole I'm not worried or anxious about it necessarily. These thought just wander in and out sometimes, they are just...there.


In other news, my nieces birthday party is tonight! I'm excited to see her and can't believe she's 2 already! Not sure if W will be there or not, don't really care to be honest, not after the way she acted towards me earlier in the week.

Speaking of W never heard back from her about the edits I asked her to have her L make to our divorce decree. Nor have I received the revised draft like I requested. For someone who wants it ready by Monday she doesn't seem to be moving too quick.