Hello All, I have been reading a bunch of different sitch's here and have found a lot of them helpful in relating to my own. So here is my story and I am hoping to get some advice.
I married my wife back in Sept 2004 after a few months of dating. She is 7 years younger than I am and when we got married she was 18 and I was 25. She got pregnant 6 months into the marriage and we had our 1st son December 2005. Soon after our son was born she become pregnant again with our second son. Our second son was born Jan of 2007 (they are only 13 months apart). Now during this time I wasn’t a very good husband and we didn’t have the best marriage. I was drinking a lot and not handling myself like a very good person. While she was pregnant with our second son we got in a big fight while I was drunk and the cops were called. She moved into our moms house for a few months while we worked on the marriage. We ended up getting an apartment and were doing well after my second son was born but then we started having issues – fighting, me drinking, no romance, no communication, etc… She tells me she wants out and that she wants a divorce. She moves into her father’s house. I find out she is seeing another man and I figure that is what lead to us moving forward in the divorce. So we end up getting a non contested divorce after 3 years of marriage. We remained really good friends. Although looking back now I see that I was way available for her more than I should have been – helping her when he car broke down, a shoulder to cry on when her BF isn’t being nice, coming over and spending time with the kids during her time. Also we slept together twice while we are divorced but she was single and not with anybody. I never got into any relationships while we were divorced because I still loved her and thought we would get back together – not to say I didn’t have fun just didn’t have anything serious.
This “friendship” goes on for 3 years after our divorce when she decides that she wants to start dating me again. I had purchased a house while we were divorced and she moves in to live with the boys and me. She tells me she loves how I am doing everything for myself now how shocked she is by it( this I think is key and I think where I have messed up) Everything is going great we are dating and loving each other. We know we had communication issues and my drinking to contend with. I messed up and got a DUI early in getting back together this time. I decided for myself that I am done drinking (haven’t had a drink in over 5 years). She forgives me for the DUI and sees that I have changed for the better. After awhile we decide that we want another child and she become pregnant with our daughter who is born March of 2013. We also decide that we want to get married again. This time a big wedding with all of our friends and family (our first marriage was in Las Vegas with just the two of us). We get remarried September of 2014 and were doing great until April of this year.
In April I get the ILYBNILWY and that she doesn’t know what to do. I suggest her going to counseling and seeing if that will help. Also at this point in her life she has a lot a lot of weight and is looking really good. She is more confident and assured of herself then I have ever seen her. She also starts working at a gym as the front desk person checking people in. One of the things she tells me is she isn’t the same person she was 2 years ago. She is angry that I didn’t work out with her while she has been doing it and was making excuses. I tell her that I will start hitting the gym and working on myself as well. She also tells me that she knew I still loved her when we were divorced and she used that to get me to do things for her (talk about a knife to the heart). So she goes to a counselor for a few sessions and then they invite me into the group. Basically she is ready to leave and wants her space but is agreeing to work on the sitch. So this past summer everything seems to be turning around. I am hitting the gym and while I started doing it as a fix for the marriage I all in love with it. I am losing weight and looking really good. We continue going to counseling sessions and everything seems to be progressing. We go to Vegas for her birthday and we really connected. I even get an email from her saying that she was ready to give up on our marriage but she loves the man I have become and the man I am becoming. We decide that we would sell the house we are in and buy a new house together because she explains that the house never really felt like home. Everything seems to be going great then all of sudden she does a 180 and tells me she needs space. She needs time apart from me because she isn’t sure she loves me in that way. She tells me she isn’t sure she ever felt that spark for me ever but got married the second time because it was comfortable and easy. I am told I am her best friend but we don’t have passion.
The current situation is she is moving out to an apartment that is close by on November 10th. I am devastated and try to go into Mr Fixit. I tell her I understand and that I will do anything. I offer to pay for some of the apartment (I know what the heck???) as long as we continue working on the marriage. I basically start having no back bone at all. Now she just seems angry at me all the time and doesn’t ever text me or want to talk to me. Currently she is with her mom in MN for a wedding and I have not seen her since Wednesday the 21st. We have talked a little bit via Facebook messenger but it has mostly been about the kids. She hasn’t brought up divorce yet and continues to say we are going to work on the marriage when she is in the apartment. I made the mistake of asking her that a lot when she broke the news to me. Also its really strange because she wants me to spend the night there the first night with the kids so they will feel more at home. Also for holidays – thanksgiving/Christmas she is going to spend the night at my house so we can all be together as a family. I know realize this is Cake Eating.
So I am not sure what/how to act when she returns or what to do. My feeling is she enjoying all the extra attention that has come from getting in spectacular shape and also all the guys at the gym. I don’t think she is having a PA but I wouldn’t be surprised if she is having an EA heading to a PA. So as you can tell I have probably rambled a lot and left some things out. Just looking for some advice and place to journal when I am struggling.
Last edited by Cadet; 09/26/1602:16 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I did leave out a little bit in the first post about our kids. She wouldn't come out and say it but she has hinted around that having the kids so young and being a mother during her 20's really bothered her. She just turned 30 and I could tell that it was really weighing on her and she felt like she missed her something in her 20's. I am wondering if that is going to some resentment to me?? During the divorce I was worried that she needed to go out and experience having fun so part of the parenting plan was I got the kids Thurs through Sunday so she could go out and do things that 20 something year old's do if they didn't have kids. Now don't get me wrong she is a great mother and stays takes care of them during the day (she doesn't work at the gym until after the boys are out of school) but I can tell she gets very frustrated.
I am also having a hard time trying to figure out why she seems so angry at me all the time. I am not sure if its resentment.. or its easier to be angry with me than accept responsibility or what?? I think I have read on other people's sitch that it seems to be a common them for the WAS to be angry at the LBS. I am also way to nice of a guy so when she gets angry to I just want to fix it and try to make everything easier for her. I am realizing that is not working and not what I should be doing.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
You mentioned that you want to fix everything. You can't fix her and you seem to be spending lots of time trying to read her mind. Focus on what you do have control over, yourself.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi Mat, welcome aboard. It seems you are aware of the things that aren't working. Is that right? If so, why not start at that point? (Btw, your post endorsed everything I have said about being BFF's with the WW).
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I find out she is seeing another man and I figure that is what lead to us moving forward in the divorce. So we end up getting a non contested divorce after 3 years of marriage. We remained really good friends. Although looking back now I see that I was way available for her more than I should have been – helping her when he car broke down, a shoulder to cry on when her BF isn’t being nice, coming over and spending time with the kids during her time. Also we slept together twice while we are divorced but she was single and not with anybody.
Once you are separated, my suggestion is to be nice, polite, and friendly (like a neighbor), when she contacts you or at kid swap, etc. Don't be available, and don't initiate contact, if not an emergency. Don't give her your shoulder to cry on, don't be her handyman or Mr. Fixit, don't let her use your place to spend her time with the kids. Do not sleep with her!
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Everything seems to be going great then all of sudden she does a 180 and tells me she needs space. She needs time apart from me because she isn’t sure she loves me in that way. She tells me she isn’t sure she ever felt that spark for me ever but got married the second time because it was comfortable and easy. I am told I am her best friend but we don’t have passion.
She's getting attention from other men, and she likes it. She is bored with the MR, and wants to be free (again). But hey, she brought children into this world......and with children comes responsibility, right? Who wouldn't like to go back to being twenty again?
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The current situation is she is moving out to an apartment that is close by on November 10th. I am devastated and try to go into Mr Fixit. I tell her I understand and that I will do anything. I offer to pay for some of the apartment (I know what the heck???) as long as we continue working on the marriage. I basically start having no back bone at all.
If you know this is nuts ^^^^^^^........what can you do to change it? Hint: Do not offer to do anything; do not pay for her to live like a single woman; and do not bribe her into working on the MR. And last, but certainly not least......grow a backbone.
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We have talked a little bit via Facebook messenger but it has mostly been about the kids.
Stay off FB, and don't discuss MR right now.
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She hasn’t brought up divorce yet and continues to say we are going to work on the marriage when she is in the apartment.
She's lying.
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I made the mistake of asking her that a lot when she broke the news to me.
Don't do it anymore! It shows her that you are weak and desperate, which is unattractive.
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Also its really strange because she wants me to spend the night there the first night with the kids so they will feel more at home. Also for holidays – thanksgiving/Christmas she is going to spend the night at my house so we can all be together as a family. I know realize this is Cake Eating.
No repeats of the first divorce.......okay? No spending the nights at the XWW's house, nor her staying at your house. She doesn't get the benefits of being your W, once she's divorced you. No more holidays and family events together. It is no more one happy family after divorce! She needs a picture of that message now. How can you get that picture across to her? By stop letting her cake eat! Stop letting her dictate how things will be. Once she has moved out, there will be two houses, two lives, two separate families. Your actions based on that ^^^ will show her how her life will be as a single parent, and without you being there whenever she decides to use you for her selfish benefit.
So now, you have a big starting point, right? Oh, but I almost forgot.......
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So I am not sure what/how to act when she returns or what to do. My feeling is she enjoying all the extra attention that has come from getting in spectacular shape and also all the guys at the gym. I don’t think she is having a PA but I wouldn’t be surprised if she is having an EA heading to a PA.
I wouldn't be surprised, either.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate everything you just wrote out to me Sandi. I know I have a lot of work on the boundaries, MR FiX IT, and Nice Guy that I fall back on. Its funny because when we were talking marriage the 2nd time she told me she fell back in love with me because of how I was taking care of myself and being in control. I look back since our marriage and realize I stopped doing that. I let her have all the control. We never fought there was no friction. I am one of those conflict avoidance types. Anyways thanks again for chiming it. It was a great reminder of what I need to work on.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So last night was really interesting. Like I said earlier W has been out of town for a week. I had some family in town and met them at a restaurant with my kids. W thinking I was at home with the kids tried to do a video call so she could see them and say hi. I ignored it and texted her that we are out to dinner but if she wanted to talk to them I would let her know when we were at home. I left it at that and enjoyed the dinner. When we got home I texted to let her know we were home and she could video chat with them if she would like. So she does the call and talks to the kids.
What is interesting is after about 5 minutes she asks the kids to give the phone to me and asks our S9 & S9 to take our D3 upstairs to get her ready for bed. Then she proceeds to ask me how the kids are doing. I tell them they are fine and everything is going great. She continues to make small talk - Asking how I was doing? How was the gym? How did your work go? What plans do you have for the weekend? General stuff that probably normal people talk about. We actually end up spending a half hours just talking. No relationship stuff, no marriage, no separation anything. I made sure to act confident the whole time, not asking her permission for anything I plan on doing, telling her my plans without fear she won't like them, etc... It was sort of nice. It was probably the longest talk without her getting angry or short in a few weeks. She was seemingly interested in my answers.
So I decided the conversation should end and I should be the one to end I tell her I am going to go get the kids ready for bed and that I would see her tomorrow when I pick her up from the airport. Not more than 20 minutes later I get a text message from her asking me if I get everybody to bed? Then asking if I am cuddling our D3. She hasn't texted me out of the blue like that in a long while.
I am sure this is some sort of cake eating and her wanting the family side of things. Not sure if I should be more abrupt in ending the conversations like this and not allow them to happen. We still have another month and a half until she moves out to the apartment so I would rather remain civil if possible. I also want to make sure I am starting the process of regrowing my back bone.
On the other hand I am extremely nervous about her coming home today. It has been easy to semi detach from her because I haven't seen her in a week but now that she will be back I am going to have to put a lot more effort into it. When I am around her I tend to do a lot of things I know I shouldn't be doing - making sure the house is spotless so she doesn't get angry, making her coffee, rubbing her hair while we are in bed watching tv, etc... Those are going to be the biggest things I want to work on while she is back and before she leaves.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
You handled yourself really well. Women like men who don't ask for their permission and who are decisive. Continue working on your backbone and I think your self confidence will rise.
Have you read the link on detaching? It's not acting cold.
I think you will need to be careful about your WW manipulating you. She's going to temp check you, which means she will test you to see how attached you are to her. If she sees that she still holds you in the palm of her hand, then she loses interest and is ready to leave. If she sees that she can't manipulate you through sex, tears, or whatever,.....then she isn't so sure.
Don't be surprised if she tries to tempt you sexually, or has turns on the waterworks (two top favorites)to see if you respond. Don't do what she expects. Don't show how much you care, or how much you love her and want her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you will need to be careful about your WW manipulating you. She's going to temp check you, which means she will test you to see how attached you are to her. If she sees that she still holds you in the palm of her hand, then she loses interest and is ready to leave. If she sees that she can't manipulate you through sex, tears, or whatever,.....then she isn't so sure.
I am so glad you posted this. I really think that is what she is doing. So I go to pick her up from the Airport last night. I purposely try to keep my distance and not go in for a hug or kiss. She actually came to me to give me a hug and kiss. So we get home and I tell her I am going to gym so she can spend time with the kids. She calls me on the way to the gym asking what we want to do for dinner and what not. Anyways she has been texting/calling a lot more last night and this morning. I don't want to mind read and will just go with the flow. It makes sense that she is trying to manipulate me because this behavior is a total 180 from what she was doing before she left and while she was gone. I am going to be strong and not give into her. I want to continue working on myself and my relationship with my kids.
I haven't yet read the link on detaching but will read it right after this post.
Me:37 W:30 S10 S9 D3 M-Sept 2004 D-Nov 2007 Reconcile Sept 2010 Re-Married Sept 2014 BD ILYBNILWY - April 2016 W Wants to Move to Apartment - Sept 2016 W Moved to Apartment - Nov 10 2016
