Post Divorce...Still Looking for Answers

[Zues126]

That's just it, I actually don't know...maybe it's just that I'm looking for some sort of validation to why all this happened. I'm sure a portion of being here is to share what exactly NOT to do after your W walks out. And I'd say I'm mostly here just to talk to people about it...how they moved on...what they did to make the pain of this go away and at least lessen somewhat.

Values are like traffic laws. Instead of stop signs, dotted lines indicating lane borders, and speed limits, we have rules we behave by to preserve our society. "Do what you feel like" doesn't work very well. Can you imagine driving a car and running a red light because you didn't 'feel' like stopping? Well, so goes the relationship.

Currently you aren't observing many of the values that I personally hold dearly. You seem to excuse things because you 'want to change how you feel' or 'don't know how else you'd get through', including:
-Drinking and medicating.
-Dating while married and continuing while emotionally unprepared
-Dating someone that herself participated in the assault on a M

So you want to know why you were in a 'relationship crash'? It's because both of you followed the life road map of doing what you felt like. Feelings aren't a good compass. Granted some of the above wasn't during your M, but it was this 'do what I feel like' mentality that you carry that was. And same is true for XW, clearly she is in 'do what she feels like' mode. M is too tough to survive without sacrifice and commitment from both parties.

All it usually takes is one person in 'follow the feeling' mode to destroy a marriage, but at least if one person has strength, character, and can model and demonstrate some leadership, well, it gives the other person the time and opportunity to see what they're losing and follow that person's lead. I often tell new posters act with the character you wish they had, you can't expect them to do something you can't yourself. Many times by leading the way and transcending day to day feelings and impulses we can show enough improvements and strength to be the lighthouse that our WAS returns to. If not, we get to sleep soundly at night, free of any guilt, able to meet life head on without medicating, at peace knowing we did everything we could to save our M, and prepared for a healthy relationship in the future that is equipped to survive the test of time should that day arise.

I understand how difficult it is to lose your marriage. Trust me. I get it. If you need to lay in bed for a week and cry you won't hurt my feelings. But ultimately you choose what you do from here. With no goals and no values it just seems like you're going to drift around doing whatever is easiest or feels best at the moment, all the while scratching your head as to why it isn't working. How can that work? Really?

So hopefully this answers why your M was in a crash, two drivers not following any traffic signs. Knowing that do you want to start now, or do you just write off the possibility of a long term relationship and accept your life will be a series of crashes because you aren't feeling so hot and aren't up for following pesky values today?

Hang in csk.