Hello everyone, I'm new here. My background story....My husband has all the signs of MLC. It's been brewing for years, and came to a head this July when I discovered an affair. After the discovery, we reconciled right away, he cut it off and we had a great four weeks of attempting to move on (we were totally unprepared for how hard that would be). After four weeks he reached out to the OW again and told me he needed space and time to think. He went away for a week and came back and said he wanted a divorce and wanted to see what could develop with the OW since he still had feelings for her (knife to my soul). That was about a month ago.
I know he still has feelings for me and is confused. He acts like he is forcing himself to hate me, and most of the time does not allow me to touch him, and typically does not talk to me or even look at me much. If he does allow himself to talk to me or be intimate with me he will literally run away...get the keys and go off somewhere, sometimes for days at a time and not tell me where.
Fast forward to now...I read the beautiful Lighthouse story, and I just love it. I believe in my husband and in our marriage, we have a good foundation and a true love there, he's just lost right now.
We see each other almost everyday because of sharing parenting duties, and we rotate sleeping at our house (some nights I'm at my parents, some nights he is at a "mystery" location, could be the OW could be a friend, I have no clue and he won't tell me).
My question is, how do I balance being the Lighthouse for him to come back to but also being standoffish, or distant enough to make him miss me? I'm home with the kids during the day, I still have been making dinner for him for when he gets home from work, still making a comfortable home like folding laundry and stuff. I don't spend much time around him though, usually just enough time to update on the kids.
Any advice on how to navigate this dance and this mind game I feel that I'm in with him?
thanks so much...This is the toughest thing ever.
Me: 39 H: 40 July 2016 H has affair end of July I found out July-August 2016 get back together for one month September 10, 2016: Says he wants to be separated, possible divorce
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Looks like the sitch is relitively new ... I am curious as to how you arrived that your H is MLC vs WAS as there are similarities in both especially how the LBS handles things ... but there are some key differences that would help us aide you in this journey no one asked for. Its not typical they want to work on the M but he may have done this just because he got caught in the A .... which I assume he is still in but still living at home>?
Just keep posting so you can get better advice..... as far as how to balance the light house/ standoffish arena ... Cadet helped you there alot of that information is in the Newcomers homework ... Sandis 37 comes to mind right off the bat.
I agree that this is a really hard situation, especially when there are children involved. All I can say is do your reading, keep posting and look after yourself.
In my opinion all the work that you will put into yourself will help you either way. Maybe by saving your marriage, or if that is not possible it will equip you to deal with whatever is going to follow.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
HI Kay. Your story is similar to mine and the same timing I wonder if we could be support buddies through this process? I too am committed to my marriage but at this current time my husband is living elsewhere and the last thing he wants to do is talk to me about our marriage.
Hello Kay and TLE. First, ((hugs)). It seems we are all going through something similar at the same time.
Kay, I don't have any advice to give you about the balancing act except to say I get it. I feel this way all the time. For me, I have a hard time balancing the need to detach with wanting to outlast the MLC. The reason I want to outlast this is b/c I love him. I am attached to him. But in order to survive, we have to detach. How do you do that when the whole reason you are willing to persevere is that attachment. If I didn't love him, there is no way I would put up with this madness. Ugh.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the board ladies. I am sorry that you have all found yourselves here.
I realize that the concept of detachment is a scary one. For me, I realized becoming detached did NOT mean that I had to stop loving my X. What it did mean was that I developed a "thick skin" and I did not allow his actions affect my reactions, emotions (this took longer), or my life in general.
An example...
If he wanted to go out and party all night...
My options were...
1. Stay home and worry and wait and watch out the window at every car that passed wondering when he was coming home.
2. Get angry and either try to find him and make a scene or wait until he came home and make a scene.
3. Sit and cry and feel lonely and do nothing.
4. Stay home and read a book, take a bath, have dinner with S, and go to bed when I wanted.
5. Go out and do something fun that I wanted to do for/with myself and S or friends.
6. Have a party and not worry about when he was coming home.
These are just some options...do you see the differences? Which one sounds like the one that will make you feel the best?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Sounds like your husband is cake eating. He gets the best of both worlds while keeping you around as plan B. How did the two of you decide that you would split time staying with the kids?
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
