Life is kicking my butt

[Zues126]

and in addition you can't pass legislation that flies in the face of what society wants, which apparently is to abandon lifelong partnerships to chase the dragon of the dream marriage.

People still want this dream, despite the greater than 50% odds that they will lose this bet. I really am starting to believe that the institution of marriage is obsolete and should actually be discouraged for most people.

I can't speak for women, but as a man - that's like flipping a coin with greater than 50% odds that you will lose.

One side is - the idyllic lifestyle of the nuclear family
and
On the other side is - the ultimate pain imaginable, financial ruin, heartache, grief and sadness beyond what you've ever experienced, potentially not being able to see your own children.

That's an insane bet to me. Is the reward even worth it? How many intact nuclear families are even happy? half of them?

Shh...you're not supposed to tell anyone.

I guess it doesn't matter, they'll all think they're the exception.

Seriously, it is rough. The fact is that it doesn't work the way we were lead to believe when we were growing up. The idea of finding someone, settling down, loving each other, growing together, etc, it's just not how it plays out. As you say not only is the divorce rate staggering, even among married couples many are dealing with chronic infidelity, resentment, and other issues that crush any warmth.

Is this any different than it used to be? Maybe not. Maybe 100 or 50 years ago couples stayed together for financial and social reasons, but the quality of those marriages was miserable. Maybe the fragility of today's marriages is a good thing in that it forces people to step up their games, so while they might deal with a lot of loss and suffering, it might mean that they 'do the work' to make sure their next marriage is better (because if it isn't it won't last). Maybe this forces people to strive beyond mediocrity. Or maybe it's all screwed up, past and present, and that's just the human condition, and it's our expectations that we can find love that transcends human frailty that are the problem and we should just be grateful to have our destroyed hopes and dreams to enjoy before that opportunity too is inevitably taken away.

Personally I think that it's a loss. I think that right or wrong marriages are supposed to stay together. When people say idealistic things like "I wouldn't want them to stay out of convenience" or "for the children", I think to myself "Why not?" I mean, if the only reason people stayed in a marriage was because of a deep continuing feeling of love, well, not many marriages would survive. Oh, wait, they don't. Point is I think there's nothing wrong with a marriage staying together for earthly reasons. I think we're so damn spoiled and entitled that we wouldn't know a good thing if it was handed to us on a silver platter.

But what I think doesn't matter. It's the world, and we just get to live in it. How do I handle it? Well, to your point I don't have much interest in playing the game anymore. Nothing against women, nothing against men, nothing against anyone or anything...it's just as you said a really bad proposition. I don't long for a relationship, I long for a committed relationship, and until I have reason to believe there is a chance of finding it better than the 33% chance that represents the success rate of 2nd marriages (not counting those that are miserable) I don't know why I should try.

If I do, I'm going guns blazing. I thought about an online profile, I've never done online dating but if it did it would be full disclosure. Something like this: Marriage is like trying to climb mount everest with a partner. Most marriages fail. Many more suffer infidelity and other betrayals, permanent separation, or are not on speaking terms. I have one life to live and want to make it to the top of mount everest. I am not your soulmate. I am not your everything. But I am a hell of a climber. If you are looking for someone that can get to the top of the mountain and defy the odds with you then look no further. If you're window shopping until you find someone you're 'compatible' with that makes your heart skip then that's not me. I'll wish you and your future ex the best as I pass you on my way to the top of the mountain. But if you are with me we'll make it to the top, meaning no divorce, no betrayal, and a commitment not to accept mediocrity. In return I am looking for the same. I'm sure there are a couple of things we'll need to make sure aren't absolutely exclusive such as which country to live in, but beyond that I believe it's more about what we make of it than first impressions. If you are the one that is equally fatigued by chasing the dragon and ready to build love brick by brick, shoot me a line. It won't be romantic until we are celebrating our 50th year together...

Anyway, just a funny thought I felt like sharing. But yeah, it hurts to realize that not only did you lose your M, the world may not have in store for you what you always wished it did.

So what? Well, from here you get a choice. What do YOU do? It's all about you. For me, the answer was to be the person I wished existed in the world. That meant staying loyal to my M through thick and thin, whether I felt like it or not, and conducting myself in a way that I'd always be able to look back and feel good about. I've done that, and while I've made mistakes, I have no regrets. And I'm casting my vote to make this into the world that I want it to be. One with commitment, with roots, with selflessness. And I'm trying to lead my children down that path as well. Will it ever work out for me? Maybe not. But I'll be at peace on my death bed, and will enjoy my time before that day comes.