Confused on What to Do 3

[Eagle11]

Eric,

I hope you had a great vacation.

Today I want you to go look in the mirror. Stare at yourself for a while. Then start to say outloud. I am confident. I am confident. DO this as often as you can. You need to start changing how YOU feel about yourself. Reading is great, the IC is great…coming to the boards is great. Honestly though….it really is about CHOOSING to believe it and live it. That means, when you start to feel not confident that you change what you are thinking and replace it with…. I am confident, I am confident.

I will start doing this. I have some days that I feel confident and that I can do what I want. I have other days where I feel hopeless. I often have both feelings in the same day. Today I had the confident feeling most of the day. Then tonight my W called home to talk to the kids (she is out of town for work) and something seemed off with her. She was very short with me and rude, which is something she hasn't been lately. I made me wonder if something had went on tonight. It's stupid to think about this and I need to stop. I am letting her control my emotions. I need to stop that.

1) She is texting 2 OM – F*ck what she thinks right now.
2) Taking time for yourself and doing things for YOU is not selfish. Period.
3) Believing someone who has asked to divorce you 3 times, is seeing 2 OM and expect you to be Mr. Mom all the time is NOT healthy.
4) Stop being reluctant and create a PLAN. For example, once every other Thursday (use whatever date works for you) COMMUNICATE to your W that you have plans to do something. She can either be home to watch the kids while you take a little time for yourself OR she can find a baby sitter. Stop enableing her behavior. Take time for you.
5) Next time you want to go on a hike, tell her that you have already made plans. You are not her on call day care provider.
6) Promise me that in the next 3 weeks that you will go play GOLF. With NO kids.

1. That is the attitude I need to have all the time.
2. Thank you. I have been reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book you recommended and this is brought up in the book. I am beginning to understand this concept.
3. You are correct. I really don't believe in her right now and I don't believe anything she says to me. I can't trust her. She is two different people. She is one person when she is at home, but as soon as she leaves she turns into someone else that can't be trusted.
4. I will do this. Even if its just to get out and drive or walk around. I need to have time for myself because I don't have any right now.
5. Done
6. Done

This ^^^^^ sounds like a cookie cutter response. Think outside the box dude. Make it personal. Really what does this amazing life that you want really look like? Hell mine includes traveling every other month, Hanging out with my friends, large parties where I cook a huge pig, having dinner with my friends and family, spending time with my sons just shooting the chit over a beer, ATV rides on the beach, Horse back rides on the beach, porn star sex with my partner (you know the kinds that makes your head spin around like the excorsist). Be a bit specific man! Just imagine if the world was yours what would that life really look like?

I see your point. I need to find out what I really want in life and it is something I am really struggling with.

Reading this ^^^^ it seems like YOU FED OFF of her energy and did not create any yourself. Honestly, you sounded kind of boring. Maybe Eagle, it is time to stop DEPENDING on OTHERS and start to create the “enjoying life, free spirit and spontanetity” YOURSELF. Fun is attractive, full of life is attractive….become this person if that is what you like. And before you start with all sort of excuses…..the only excuse you have is REALLY – YOU.

I did become boring. We both did. I might have started going thru the motions of life. I am not really sure. I know I was more fun to be around when we started out and something happened along the way. I know raising the kids took a lot of fun out of social life.

You made a mistake – now it’s time to get over it. That said, it seems that this may have been a key shift in the R. I wonder did you ever voice FIRMLY your disagreement with certain positions/decisions after this? Eagle, IMHO, healthy R’s are ones where the power (decision making, etc.) shifts between both parties of an R. Any one side having all of the power is NOT healthy. Also, you are a man. Women, IMO, still look for a man that provides leadership. A man that will stick to his convictions. That is not to say…that men should be macho arseholes. No. However, large decisions such as purchasing a house should be agreed upon by BOTH people.

I have thought about this and I feel it was either purchasing the house or her first EA that was a major turning point in our relationship. They were about 18 months apart. At some point around this time I became scared of losing her I feel. I was thinking about this today and trying to remember back to this time. I know I started resenting her a little when we bought the house. As far as I can remember it was the first big decision we made together as a married couple and she controlled the situation.

First, that first part of the above is so freaking whishy washy. Dude, it very simple – stop SNOOPING. Stop making excuses for snooping. As for letting her go, you will be unable to UNTIL you become the man you want to be. You will be unable to until you face the fears you have. The status quo is easy. Change is hard. Either way – Eagle all of this is YOUR CHOICE. Stop with the excuses already.

I have been beaten over the head with this by many on here. I need to stop. It is doing me no good and I know that.

1) Her Life Crisis is NOT your fault. Stop blaming yourself.

2) Her issues are NOT your fault. Stop blaming yourself.

3) You are hard on yourself, IMO, because that is what YOU are used to. It is what you have learned to deal with challenges in your life. Remember this…..YOU are ONLY a ViCTIM if YOU CHOOSE to be.

4) Honestly, based on your story…and based on what you have written about your W – you would been here NO matter what YOU did/didn’t do. The key……is what are YOU really going to do NOW – with the TIME you have been given.

1. I know it's not my fault. I have been having a hard time knowing I can't fix her problems though. I think I am a fixer. I am one who has attracted women with problems without realizing it. I think I read about this in the NMMNG book as well.
2. I know.
3. I understand where you are coming from. I believe what you are saying. I have always been hard on myself, that is what I do.
4. I have been thinking about this and I think you are right. I have actually thought this would come at some point. For a while now (before this sitch even started) I have almost anticipated something like this happening. I didn't know when, but I had a feeling in my gut. I kept getting a feeling we would stay together until the kids got older and then something would happen. Maybe I have be paranoid about this for a long time.

I’m all for supporting your W. I do not agree with throwing your self worth down the drain to do it. Your claims of “I will not abandon you”, while she has 2 OM is…..honestly……you showing HER that you do not value YOURSELF. It is unattractive. I am not saying that you should yell and scream at her. I am saying that if you have nothing nice to say – say nothing. Look man, she has issues….well she has a therapist she can see, she has 2 OM that she can talk to about it. YOU cannot FIX HER.

I wish I would have been on this board longer before I told her these things. I think in the back of my mind I thought maybe this would stop her EA, but all it did was let her think I didn't care. The NMMNG book is really helping to explain this to me. I wish I would have know about this book years ago. I lived my life in fear and dependent on my W.

Remember the journal I asked you to pick up? I woud like you to start journalling every day, what you do with thd kids, what time you feed them, etc. The journal should be kept somewhere that no one can find it.

I will start tomorrow.

I would start going out at least ONCE every two weeks. I don’t care if it is a drive….just get out. Period. No freaking excuses.

This I can and will do.

I would keep your conversations with your W to the bare minimum. No happy chatter, nada. When asked why you are quite – your canned response should be…nothing I have a lot on my mind. Keep her guessing dude.

Ok. I can do this. It will be hard, but I can do this. I know this is a major part of DBing and it's one of the things I have failed the most at.

Now…please….give some more thought to WHO you want to be and let me know who that guy is.

I will.

Thanks