I've been following Sandi's rules almost from the beginning. I've been detached the last few days. I have a question for you: couldn't detachment be seen as apathy or indifference by my spouse? In a way, almost agreeing with her that this marriage isn't worth fighting for?
Thank you so much.
msp,
I wanted to stop by as I notice many similarities in our stories... The question you ask here is a normal one that we all seemed to ask early on.
cadet is right in the advice provided for you. cadet is basically right in anything that he shares here...
I have learned from my journey that my WAW did not want anything from me, regardless of what she would say... From day to day her claims of what I did or did not do would change... Nothing you do, will basically be agreeing the same that she is saying. You know what you are fighting for and that is all that matters at this leg of the journey.
But I did make changes... Changes based on the principles of DB... I read and studied DR. I worked with a coach. I worked with an IC. I sought help here. I made changes in my actions and behaviors.
And with every change that I implemented, she became more angry... I would fall back when I saw the anger. She would get even more angry.... My point is, you must give her space to walk her journey... The time you have is your gift. Working on you, is the best way you fight for the MR.
Very counterintuitive....right? That became my gauge...if I started to act or react in what felt natural...I would pause...recall what I was learning from the DB principles ...and the proceed.
The answer to many of your questions will become clear as you walk your path...
I encourage you to step outside of your thread and read and meet others here... You will gather a tribe of support that way...but most importantly, IMHO, you will start to see the patterns that will make the answers to your questions more clear in a more timely manner.
There is much work to do, and as you do it you will gain more strength than you might know at this time.
Quote:
I like most people have issues I need to deal with. She does too. There have been times when we've both had to carry each other thru the marriage because the other just couldn't. We're both adverse to conflict which is really bad. Things never get discussed and they're left to fester. I'm willing to do the serious work that i need to do in order to be a better person and father. I'd do anything to keep our family together. It's just so hard to feel hopeful when only one person in a marriage feels that way.
Now this I understand completely and I am sure if I were to go back to the beginning of my story here, I wrote and expressed this exact sentiment...
The best advice to me was, live in the moment, be the best dad you can possibly be, (and then just a little bit more) focus on ensuring the your D has all of the stability and love that you can provide no matter what...Leave your W be...Her circus, her monkeys.
I will leave it at that for now as many are starting to swing by and you will be in good hands. Please reach out to me if I can be of support or share that which you may benefit from...
My prayers are with you and your family as I know the pain and confusion that is, but I know that there is another side to it and you will come through it.
“Relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship changes.” Michele Weiner-Davis
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
