Greetings Everyone! I have been lurking around these forums for a few months, read DB & DR, had three coaching sessions, and I am seeing an IC. I am doing 180 to the extent it is consistent with the advice from my DB coach, who is advocating maintaining a friendship. This is my first post.
Here is some background on me and my sitch . . . I am in my mid-40's, my husband in his late 40's. We have been together for seventeen years, married for fifteen. Initially, we decided we did not want to have children, but then after about 7 years we changed our minds. Due to my age, we had some considerable obstacles and needed medical assistance.
In the Spring of 2013 we tried IUI, but was unsuccessful. Next, we did one round of IVF, but was unsuccessful. In the fall of 2013, we tried another round of IVF. About this time, his father had a series of strokes that ultimately landed him in an assisted living facility. I got pregnant, but miscarried. I was a wreck. I felt like someone had chopped off my legs.
We decided to use an egg donor to try to conceive. My younger sister volunteered to donate. We signed up for another IVF cycle.
Meanwhile, his father passed in 2014. He was understandably devastated, but seemed to soldier on. Following his father's death, we did the egg donor cycle with my sister, which did not work.
In the summer of 2014, after an extensive vetting process, we found another egg donor. My son was born the following summer.
This past April I discovered he has been having a physical affair with a woman at his work who is 20 years younger. The affair started the summer/fall of 2013.
Initially, he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He cut her off. We went to counseling, but it was bumpy. He was withholding details of the affair and I was pissed (to say the least). Thwn I discovered he was also having an EA with an ex girlfriend that included illicit sexting.
I did everything wrong. I told his family, his colleagues at work, and demanded details. We stayed up late talking and were sleep deprived.
After two and a half months he said he was done. We stopped joint counseling and he said he wanted out. He had resumed communication with his affair partner. However, she was seeing someone else at work by this time. He has been pursuing her, but she isn't having it.
He is now saying he never wanted our son. We never should have gotten married and I "pressured" him. He says he loves me, but enough to work on the marriage (a variation of ILYBIAMILWY?). He says we have terrible communication issues and that he doesn't feel that I need him. He believes that I am not interested in his life.
He was adopted at an early age and his counselor thinks he has attachment issues. He is claiming that he molded himself to whoever he was with because he was afraid to express his opinion out of fear of rejection. He now says he has to find himself. He is saying something is missing within himself, but he doesn't know what it is.
On the one hand he says he needs to be alone to figure himself out, but then he is trying to convince the OW to drop her new bf and be with him.
He appears to be going through a MLC. His counselor has him reading some books, including Finding Meaning After MidLife. After I found out about the affair he bought a brand new car (a minivan I wanted) because he had sex in it with OW. He hated the car. Three months later, he sold it and bought a brand new SUV. He has been obsessed with his workouts (he has always been in shape). He Has been taking a mind boggling number of supplements. By his own admission, in a futile attempt to turn back the clock. He is also consumed with maintaining his appearance.
So my first question is, how do we know its genuine MLC and his thoughts are clouded by all the issues of MLC or are they really in their right mind. It appears MLC to me, but maybe its just wishful thinking he is out of his mind and he will come around.
