Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

I don't know, SH. I barely even think about WH most days. When I do find my thought train veering in that direction, I've gotten pretty good at redirecting it back to the present. When I am reminded of him, I do miss H, but
I now realize that he's been gone for years. What bothered me about my little discovery/puzzle piece was that I missed yet another sign that H was becoming WH, and not only that... I turned it into another opportunity to show him affection. It's just a reminder that I was blind, and that feels icky. How do I learn to trust my own instincts again...

The D situation rides around in the back of my head, but it's not a very present thing, beyond wanting to get it over with and frustrations that it is costing so much and going nowhere. I have had no contact whatsoever in months now,a nd I am reclaiming my house, my land, and my life, one step at a time.

Right now I just feel really badly about my kitty. My first thought on waking was of him. I haven't seen my parents in days because I just don't want to talk about it... I need to go out and finish cutting my field, but that means using the tractor again...

I guess I need to just force myself to go outside and DO something, but I'm still hiding inside and it's 1 o'clock. Outside I am reminded that my little friend is gone.