Just to follow Cadet's advice and to keep bumping this thread.
As I keep reading through all these posts I think the one that resonates with me the most are the one's from BluWave. A lot of what I'm writing below is basically what it seems she went through/is going through.
I didn't do much DB-ing early on due to far too much contact w/ the xW with helping her move, fixing up her houseboat, counseling. Although now, I sort of realize that much of what our counselor was trying to say mirrors a lot of the stuff on here. I was just so incredibly hard not to pester her for answers...that I now know she didn't even know the answer to. I was focusing on every move she made and trying to read into every interaction, text, what she was doing and why,
What worries me possibly the most is the idea that I do still want some sort of relationship with the xW even after the divorce, but I have no idea what that means. I definitely still love her...and at times the missing her presence is absolutely crushing. Mainly, I so terribly miss how I used to feel about her, but I keep remembering in my head that the xW is no longer that person. That marriage is over. I do not respect and feel any love towards my xW the way I did before this happened. Not at all. Some days I want pure revenge--I want her to come back just so I could be the one hurting her. Other days I just miss her. Some days I don't know what I am
I also can't seem to detach well enough to let even the smallest of slights in the past go. The raw emotions around acceptance and forgiveness takes a strength and confidence that I just cannot seem to keep in my grasp. Any trigger at all and very easily lapse back into sadness and rage. I will say this to anyone who just got the bomb dropped. DO NOT enter into a collaborative divorce agreement, get your own lawyer...period. I suppose that's it's own post all together. The amount of animosity built between us during that process still gives me PTSD and probably will for a while.
Lastly, the other thing that I keep spinning on is for the life of me, I can't figure out whether the xW falls into MLC or WAW. Just the pure preposterousness of her life over the past year with the 22 year old OM, choosing to live on a houseboat (it's NOT nearly as romantic as it seems) flying lessons, spending nearly 1/3 of the year out of town, changing history...she even walked away from sharing our beloved golden retriever, whom she absolutely adored.
On the other hand, past when she found out I started seeing someone, there's been only one instance of temp checking on her behalf...and our only even remotely cordial communication comes in person of which occasions ceased once the divorce was final. Who knows, maybe her MLC turned her into a WAW after all the crap that went on between us
Any thoughts on this?
Last edited by Cadet; 09/28/1610:18 AM.
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
