Well, I guess it's time for the a new thread here in the Newcomers forum, though to be honest I've certainly been here long enough that I probably don't qualify as a newcomer any more.
I haven't written a summary in quite a while, and I guess maybe I should do so again, but I'm just not feeling very motivated to do much of anything today...
Is it that my ADs have been decreased 25% for a full week now, and this is the emotional roller coaster that my doctor told me I'd experience? Is it that I am responsible for the death of my favorite little feline friend and just feel horrible about it? Is it the glacial pace of the legal process? Is it that I came to another small realization about my WH a few days ago and it is eating at me? Is it due to my entanglement? Just a case of the "I feel crummies?"
I think it's all of the above and more, and I've not been in the best place for the last few days. Today I didn't get out of bed until 1 pm again. This is the second time since walk-away in December that I've done that. I had a really bad night, lay in bed until after 3 am, and was absolutely exhausted emotionally. I had planned to go out and spend the day with H-friend, but I canceled on her for the second time this week. I just couldn't face explaining what's wrong with me.
So, back to that list:
I convinced my doctor to let me taper my AD meds from 40 down to 30 mg, starting last Wednesday. I felt completely fine with that change right up until I found my poor cat. I'm just crushed. I miss his sweet little presence following me everywhere I go, and I feel so awful that it's my fault he is gone. Plus, I see the three remaining kitties, and it is even more obvious that he is missing. It was an accident, but I'm having a hard time with it.
The change in my AD dosage certainly hasn't helped.
There has been nothing, and I mean nothing at all, on the legal front in over a week and a half. All that chaos and agonizing over edits and numbers on financial statements, signatures and notarizations, and then... a whole lot of nothing at all. Sigh. I was so hoping that it might prompt some overture toward settlement, rather than continued legal wrangling. I'm still hoping, but beginning to resign myself to a very drawn out, contentious process. All because of WHAT? Because I refused to lie here like a door mat and take what WH doled out? Accept that he venue-shopped to file in the state where it would be most beneficial to him, and conversely, least beneficial to me? Why on earth would he think I'd agree to that? I want to settle on something in the middle, but we may be headed to court at this rate. Ugh.
And then there's that little piece of the puzzle that slipped into place last week...
On the surface, it's really not much, but it just has left such a yucky taste in my mouth. I was driving myself and H-friend back from our hike on Thursday and I grabbed a piece of gum for myself, and offered her one. I told her that I don't even like gum, and that I just get rid of it after a few minutes when the flavor starts to wane. I really have no idea why I even buy it anymore; I just got used to having it around because WH liked it.
As I said that, I realized that WH never used to chew gum, either. In hindsight, his gum-chewing started at the same time as his clubbing/drug usage/binge-drinking/cheating. He was using it to cover up anything I might smell on his breath when he came home. And here I was just thinking it was kind of cute that he'd picked up a new habit. I even started buying him packs of gum as small tokens of affection.
How stupid was I ?????
Anyway, it's been a tough stretch of days again.
In other farm news (of the good kind, not the sad kind), I released my fourth monarch butterfly this afternoon. This one was a male, while the first three were all females. They are the most gorgeous creatures. I wish I could post a photo of today's little guy. Picture a brilliant blue sky as the backdrop, beautiful purple asters taking up most of the frame, and then this stunning orange and black creature against the purple and blue. They are amazing.
My young chickens all made it into the big girl coop on their own this evening for the very first time. There was a lot of jostling and flying around as they all got themselves lined up on the perches in accordance with their pecking order rules, but eventually they got it worked out. Every single day I am thankful that they are in my life. They make me laugh when I want to cry. They have keep me fed with their beautiful eggs. They give me a set of tasks that I need to do for them every day. And they look so darn cute running and strutting and digging and dusting. They really are great pets. There's nothing quite like going outside and hearing the sound of 38 little free-ranging chicken feet hitting the ground as they all run towards me. They are very nosy little creatures.
The young ones have taken to herding the cats around. Not as a challenge, but in the same way they'd run after another member of their flock. It's hilarious.
I am so grateful for my farm and my animals. They give me so much enjoyment and peace and love, though sometimes that love is followed by sorrow.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
