qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
your brother in arms,
RAI
Thanks RAI. I wouldn't do that. My therapist just kept asking about it and I had to be truthful and say yes it has crossed my mind. He is just very worried about me and I think he is trying to be extra conscientious with me right now.
Yeah when I think of the kids - I can't do it. When I first got to the hospital one of the questions they asked me was - 'Has any family member or close friend of yours ever committed suicide?' I think that means - because if that's true, you are more likely to commit suicide yourself. I wouldn't want to put that on my kids, ever. Or my friends and family.
The pain is just so great right now, and I feel so alone. I just can't go on like this. I have to find a way.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
