qt4X11, dude.I feel your pain. I have EXACTLY the same issues. I am so sorry you are going through this.
The pain of D, the fear of being away from kids, the financial devastation, coming to terms with how my STBXW truly feels about me, fear of the unknown future - it's all there. It is terrible. Don't be ashamed for feeling the way you feel. I would be shocked if you didn't feel like that. You can't go around this, you can't go over this, you can't go under it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it. I will give you the advice my mother gave me when I was 5 years old: Take each day as it comes. You can't control your crazy xW. All you can do is be the best qt4x11 you can be. Regarding your suicidal thoughts: the biggest deterrent to self-harm is imagining what this would do to your beautiful children. What kind of role model would you be? what would your legacy be? How much can you endure for your beautiful children? I think it is a lot more than you think. Now is not the time to buckle under the pressure. Get as much help as you need, but be the man. You are loved by many. Don't deprive us by harming yourself. try to focus on what you do have.
tight Man hug for you (((qt4x11))). You are not alone.
