Part 3 Still recovering from my emergency surgery, returning to work. DB activities, dealing with some divorce related legal processes. I lose all hope in reconciliation - major sadness and depression. At the end of the thread I get flamed by people on the board for wanting to go out and date again. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691342#Post2691342
Part 4 Me getting on with life, really trying to take care of myself. I start to really GAL and make some positive changes. Guest stars take the stage to debate various political and gender issues. At the end of the thread I get hit by the dreaded Moving Day. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1
On top of all of the sadness and pain I’m experiencing with the divorce, I’m worried now about how the divorce will affect me and my family financially. Our bank accounts are now split. My wife has rented an apartment with the kids, I will soon have to do the same. Recently child support and maintenance are being deducted from my paychecks. I think that I now about 1/3 of my take home pay will go to child support and maintenance payments.
I make a six figure salary - but I now have to basically support two households, my own and my wife’s. She made less than me, but our combined income helped us to live a pretty good life. Without her income, my lifestyle will take a major hit. I am also worried that my kid’s lifestyle has taken a major hit as well.
When we were married and combined our incomes towards a single household we were living in a luxury high rise in a very good neighborhood in my city, driving a luxury car, able to save some money. Now, I am unsure of what type of lifestyle I will be able to afford - we will definitely have to sell our house as part of the divorce, my wife moved to a neighborhood that is not as good as the one we used to live in. I will also eventually have to move to a neighborhood that’s not as good as the one we used to live in. It would probably be a good idea to sell the Audi and get a more affordable car.
Still trying to wrap my mind around this. I worked so hard to provide for my family and insure that they had the best of everything. Now everyone will have to suffer. I am thinking that I have to somehow raise my income. It will be hard because I am almost at the top of my profession and earning potential - even if I received a promotion and a raise to the next level at my company, it will only be about a 10% raise. I’m now looking into opportunities to bring extra money in through e commerce marketing as a possibility.
I hate how this divorce is limiting me financially. I will have to rise above it somehow and find some way to make more money so I can get back to living a lifestyle that I was used to - and to be able to save again. I realize now that it will take a lot of work to do this, whether I’m going to do this by working hard and getting a promotion at work, or by growing a side business to make up for ‘lost’ income. I know child support is to take care of my kids, and I know many people have it worse than me. I'm grateful for what I have but I am still very stressed about this.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
My wife is primary caregiver, she has moved the kids to the suburbs. The drive to their new house is brutal, especially during rush hour, which is when I'd have to drive out there.
I used to see the kids W, Th every week, and then F, Sa, Su every other week - so 7 days out of every 14 days, which is fair. Now that they have moved so far I can only see the kids overnight W-Th and I have to bring them to school in the morning - so they have to get up earlier so I can drive them an hour to their school.
My wife's lawyer is saying that they don't want the kids to drive so much. They are proposing - instead of taking the kids overnight W-Th and driving to school - they want me to agree to just 'spend a few hours with them' Wed night - maybe doing homework at a coffeeshop or library, then drive them to their mom's home Wed night in time for bed . So their proposed child care schedule for me would be - a few hours spent with them every Wed night, then F, Sa, Su every other week. That's a total of less than 3.5 days out of every 14 days. I will see my kids only 6 days out of every month with this schedule.
This is killing me. I want to spend as much time with them as I can. I don't want them to grow up knowing their dad is there for them, and to have a real relationship with them. I don't want to be just an every other weekend dad.
The alternative is - I move closer to the suburb my wife moved to, so that the long driving is not an issue. This also infuriates me, I never wanted to live in this suburb. I hate how due to her decisions, I now have to consider living in a place I never wanted to live. FYI she is required by law to stay within 25 miles of the other parent only. She can keep pulling tricks like moving farther and farther away, forcing me to either move closer to them, or to accept less parenting time.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I'm almost ashamed to write this. Ever since I moved back to my marital residence, I have really been struggling emotionally. The divorce has really hit home, and I've been talking to my therapist about it.
My therapist has suggested that I enter an 'intensive outpatient program' at the hospital. I guess he is scared that I will ... hurt myself. I have been very blunt with him during our sessions about the despair and the suicidal thoughts (not serious, but it has crossed my mind).
This is a six week program that takes most of the day. I'm on my second day here. I don't know how much it's helping me.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
qt4x11 - You sound like you feel like a mess my friend but you'll get through this.
The most important things first. Take the suicidal thoughts seriously. I've had them myself and they scared the crap out of me too (and the people here as well). Make sure you have the local crisis line programmed into your phone - have "someome" who you can call when you get to that dark place that I've seen too.
One tool that helps me is something my IC calls "mindfulness". The key thing as I use it is to recognize thoughts as thoughs and not real. Then you need to find something real. One exercise I use is to breathe deeply and to feel the breath go all into you and through your body. A similar exercise is to take something physical like a pen, or the gear shift in your car and focus on it. Feel it, explore it. For racing thoughts I use a different technique. I use the image of a scrub-brush, or a Monty Python scene transition to wipe those out and push them aside. It doesn't work for long and I have to do it a bunch of times but it gets me through those times.
Don't let your W's L push you around as far as visitation goes. They're trying to renegotiate a deal that's already been done. I know that you want what's best for your kids but there are lots of ways to skin any particular cat - and the cat is always upset at the end so don't worry about that. Stand your ground and push them (since they're wanting the change) to come up with something better or no deal. Perhaps arranging for a cab / uber to do the shuttling might be a good idea (?) with your W paying for it.
The money stuff will work itself out. I would suggest that you consider sitting down and doing up a good budget knowing that it will change. Remember, a budget isn't a tool for saving, it's a plan for spending. And just like any plan it needs to be flexible.
You can do this ....
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My wife's lawyer is saying that they don't want the kids to drive so much.
What does YOUR lawyer say?
She moved the children out of the family home. Judges usually like as little disruption to the children as possible.
Never heard of the 25 mile law. I have 50/50 shared custody and my agreement states that neither parent can move more than 10 miles from the old family home without the other's permission or the non-moving parent gets full custody.
Pretty sure I live in your state too.
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
I have to clarify. The childcare schedule we had previously was only for the summer and it was temporary. Now that they've moved and kids are in school they're trying to negotiate a new plan.
Thanks I used to meditate a lot. I kind of lost track of it during all this craziness.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
25 miles is the new law where we live. My lawyer says be thankful because a couple of years ago she could've moved them 3 hrs all the way across the state and I wouldn't be able to do anything.
The plan we had before was a temporary plan for the summer. What they are trying to do now is change the plan now that they've moved and kids are in school.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
