Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[maybs]

Honestly, a couple of months ago I did say some things to her that would give the impression there's not an option to come back.

I was mad and hurt and I told her that I was glad she left and that I wanted this D... it wasn't true obviously I just let my emotions get the better of me. So now I'm really not sure she would know there was a path home if she wanted to come home

[Coly23]

Mmmm, that's tricky although she must have known how hurt you were to say those things. But also you didn't throw her out or you weren't the one to leave so surely she must have an inkling that you don't want to D....

[Cherry]

I'm in the same kinda thought process as you at the moment. I get occasional sad feelings now the d is in process. After a disturbed night sleep of several dreams about him last night, I had more of a sadness wash over me today, I realised that I do really miss him.

I've also had the "what do I have to loose" thought process. Where I've thought of throwing out how I feel. I don't think it would make a difference to him right now. But he knows full well this is not something I want. He did throw me up in the air a couple weeks when he said that he thought he may be making a mistake, and that he thought I would do more to stop him. But then in true wayward style, a few days later denied saying that he was making a mistake.

Sorry I can't really offer any advise here, but just letting you know that I know exactly how you feel in this situation right now.

[maybs]

Coly - true, I didn't make her leave or start the divorce process. I think on some level she must know that this isn't what I want.

Cherry - Thanks for the support, it's nice to know that it's not just me. I do think my W has doubts but she is still too wayward to really deal with them.

Ultimately I did decide to meet with my W yesterday but did not ask her. But in true WW fashion she blew that crap up epically.

I met with her because I needed to discuss some house issues with her, she agreed to stay on the mortgage for 2 years while I work on my credit and stuff to get the mortgage into my name. So while I have sole occupancy she does still jointly own the house with me for 2 years. So, that's why I needed to talk to her.

She came in and was talking about how her dr is making her get an urgent ultrasound because she thinks there's a possibility my W has a tumor on her thyroid (possibly cancerous) and she's going to miss our nieces birthday party this Friday to get that done. And then she talked to me about the dogs and other stuff.

We did talk about the house and then somehow she got off topic again and we were talking about holidays and then I'm not even sure how it came up but I mentioned that my SIL had invited me to Thanksgiving and Christmas still because she still wants me to be in my nieces lives.

And that's about when sh!t it the fan.

She got very upset and hopped out of her chair and was pacing around the kitchen and was starting to cry. She gave me about 6 different arguments about why she was upset.

- I never wanted to see her family until after we were split up - which isn't true but I just said "I'm sorry you felt that that was true"

- Last year we were on the same page about how SIL wouldn't let us have the girls overnight and now SIL has told me I can take them overnight - in fairness this is true. We did agree on that previously and then I asked SIL if I could take the girls and she did say yes but it hasn't actually happened yet. and I'm still not sure how this is related to holidays. I validated anyways. And she followed up by saying "it isn't even about you having them, I don't care, everyone thinks I care more than I do" (personally to me the face she was yelling and crying kind of indicated she cared but I just didn't say anything)

- "You continuing to go to family events is preventing me from getting closure and moving on" - I validated. But also really? You have a whole new relationship, seems like you should have gotten closure to move on before that happened.

- "It's disrespectful to me for SIL to do that" - I validated, I really can see how she might feel that way but also part of me just wanted to be like grow up

- "why are you telling me this and not SIL" - She moved so quickly past this one and into the next one that I didn't even have a chance to say anything about it, kind of goes with the one above. I don't know why SIL isn't telling you these things and obviously I didn't know it was a secret or something... and also probably has to do with below.

- "I have no family because you are driving a wedge between my family and I" - Again, I validated. Forget the fact that the wedge between her and her family has absolutely nothing to do with and she created it herself by completely cutting off contact with them.

The more I validated and agreed with her the more p!ssed off she got at me. And basically ended up just storming out while saying "I should have never come today" As if I had somehow forced her into coming to speak to me. No, that was her choice. She was the one that wanted to meet at the house because she wanted to "grab some stuff" which she made no mention of once she got here and never did because she was too busy throwing a fit.

She's one of those people that does storm off when she gets upset and expects me to follow and/or try to call or text her to apologize. I won't lie at first that was my inclination, I feel badly about how that all happened and it was not my intention to upset her. But once I thought about it 1. I have nothing to apologize for. I didn't actually do anything accept state a piece of information. 2. It's a 180 for me to not chase her down to apologize.

She can be mad at me and blame me if she wants to but I don't feel I did anything wrong, this is not actually my fault and if she wasn't WW and was capable of thinking rationally I believe she would recognize that. I didn't ask to be invited and I can't control who SIL invites into her own home anymore than W can.

[hawker]

Wow she has some issues lol. It sounds like you handled yourself really well while her emotions are all over the place. She is confused and not thinking like a typical WW. Way to stand your ground!

[MoveFrwd]

Back to the previous conversation, I kind of think of that "what do I have to lose" attitude like this: right now, you're losing by 7 runs in the bottom of the ninth. Sure, you can swing for the fences to try to hit a home run, but, even if you connect, you're still losing by a bunch. So, it's a much higher percentage chance of winning if you just get on base - your goal is to string together singles and walks...not hit a home run....at least not yet.

[maybs]

I guess that's true. I didn't ask her and going in to it I had already decided that I would NOT under any circumstances ask her. I tried to keep us focused on what we had to talk about but she was all over the place and just wanted to chat about other stuff... until she lost it.

I am actually legitimately concerned about what's going on with her health right now. This is the second time in less than a week that she's mentioned HUGE health changes going on with her and I know she isn't taking care of herself like she should be.

[Cherry]

Ooh wee, did she blow up! I think sometimes they want to bait us into arguments to justify their reasons to leave. So well done for not taking the bait! You absolutely haven't done anything wrong, like you say, you cannot control what sil says. Nor do you have to cut ties, you became a part of the family and part of your nieces lives. My mil really disagrees with wh right now, and even with his spew at her about me, she doesn't believe him (she lives with us so she would know). I think he resents me for this, but it's none of my doing. Grown adults have a mind of their own, we haven't influenced any of this.

[maybs]

Yes Cherry, that's what I felt was happening. I felt like she was genuinely upset but also I think she was trying to bait me into an argument. It made her mad I didn't fight with her but it would have made her just as mad AND given her justification if I had gotten upset.

My W has also said things about me to her family to try to sway them to her "side" I suppose but they didn't believe any of them. She's mistaking their lack of acceptance for her behaviors as them not supporting her. I know they want her to be happy they just believe she's going about it the wrong way.

W texted me this evening to send me a copy of the divorce judgement before her L files it and I told her I would look at it when I have the time. She got snotty with me and was like "well I need to know soon since it has to be ready for court Monday" I wanted to be like "it doesn't HAVE to be ready by Monday you just WANT it to be ready by Monday." but I just said that I would do my best because I have a busy few days. Which is true, I am busy.

I had IC this evening and we were talking about the actual D and finalization (which may be happening Monday) and I feel like unfortunately for me this divorce needs to finalize for my W to ever stop looking at me as her "problem". If she is ever going to realize that the issue is with her and not something I'm causing we need to be divorced, she thinks D-day is like this magic event where her life will finally be perfect and she will have no problems...She's in for a rude awakening in my opinion.

[maybs]

And to touch on the happiness piece again. I know she isn't happy in her current relationship because now she has indicated multiple times in various (probably unintentional) ways that she is not all that stoked about her ow...

Maybe someday she will figure herself out.