So I surpassed a major milestone....I filed for divorce and husband was served. Lawyers office just called me and I cried hearing he was served.
It felt like a sneaky way to do it. I feel sick. But was told that where we live, it absolutely had to be performed that way. It had potential of being costly if it wasn't. Pure business and tactics. If I didn't do it first, he would have had to do it to me and then I would have been at disadvantage. I hate that. I hate that this is a strategic game.
The statistics show that more women file for divorce. But perhaps they do, after their husbands leave them and in most cases cheat (although i still don't know that he actually cheated) .
This was a tough thing for me to do. Husband wanted mediation. I had concerns regarding mediation but have informed attorney I want things amicable and peaceful. It is so expensive though and we had no real assets. I just did not trust husband and there was never any financial transparency. I still do not know if I made the right decision. It does not feel right. Maybe this will avoid nasty words in a mediators office? I have no legal background though, and just did not feel comfortable negotiating for myself. I knew my emotions would come to play. It didn't make sense to pay a mediator and then to pay lawyers to renegotiate. Why not just pay the lawyers????
Anyway, I am feeling really down..it really is like BD all over again. All my feeling of rejection, and wishing husband would have been willing to work on the marriage are retriggered. My guilt and regret over my role in the marital demise Is back. Sadness about the loss is back. I am really depressed. I do not feel hope or happiness for new opportunities and experiences and for new people.
The only thing is I really have no choice or control in any of this.
My son wants to make love potion number 12 so that we can both drink it and stay married.
