You both bring up some valid points. As far as ex goes, yeah, maybe not so nice of me. However, this man has been offered more time with his D which he refused, and we are the point he knows he could ask for an extra day, or to take her out for dinner, or heck, they could hang out at my house while I go to a yoga class! He knows I would gladly give him more time when he misses her. He has never ONCE asked for what is above and beyond what is expected of him, unless they have an event. even then, he wants to "trade" and I tell him no need to trade, take her! Still wants to trade. Anyways, maybe he does miss her, but he should take some action on that. Even D9 was shocked.
As far as my lonliness. I speak extensively with my IC regarding this. I have never been one to be lonely or needing something. And we kind of found that's where the crux lies. I have sat in my lonliness, have embraced it, have made a life for myself, one with a rich social life. I am really independent. I enjoy my alone time.
I am not lonlely for someone because I need my worthiness validated. I don't need someone to throw out my garbage or pay the bills, I don't need to be needed. We did come to the conclusion that I am reacting normally to my situation, and she would be worried if at this point I didn't want someone. I am lonely for human touch, partnership, connection, and emotional intimacy. I am ready for what us as humans are designed for. Real love and partnership. Can I entertain myself? yes, I GAL, have interests, a close circle of friends, I try new things, I go out, I enjoy myself, but that doesn't replace human need for intimacy and connection and love. My desire to share my life with someone. To share that special emotional and physical connection you can only share with a partner. I can live without it, I have lived without it for a good portion of my adult life. Even this Friday night, I am looking forward to be alone with some wine and my sweats. My friend wants to hang out, I do not. I'm looking forward to me time.
There was one sort of R that made me realize I made a bad choice out of my lonliness and need for validation. That's what sent me back to IC. I recognized it and it freaked me out. I've worked on it, and my IC feels now, my desires are healthy human needs.
I know what I want, I truly don't know how to get there and what I am willing to do to get there, if that makes sense.
As far as the condo, I am kind of in a rock in a hard place. My town is very small, there are only a few developments, the one I can afford I do not like. The ones I can't, I like. This was just a freak short sale steal. My future is up in the air. I may just want to get out of NJ. I don't know. I don't know what is right, and I hope the answer comes to me. I have big decisions to make to secure me and D's future. I did find a house, ironically enough 2 doors down from my ex's childhood home (which I lived in for a while). The street floods in hurricaines. I asked ex about the house and he said they built a brand new foundation on it. ex and I did want to buy exFIL's house and redo it. His house was a wreck and a half done project. It was so weird to see this house online which is a carbon copy of his old one, but NICE. But my dad will yell at me for considering a house. Lol. 36 and I will get yelled at.
I'm just going to sit quiet for a while and not make any big decisions and hope some answer just come to me. I finally got some rest last night.
