Hi All, I have been posting in Newcomers for a few months but I noticed AndrewP over here (hello AndrewP) and I wondered if someone can confirm if my H is having MLC?
Just a quick recap: We had a bit of a disagreement between Xmas and NY 2015 during which time H said he though we should split up. I really didn't expect it but he said the usual things, he doesn't love me, doesn't think he ever has (which he recently retracted), doesn't feel that way about me, we've got nothing in common, we've got nothing to talk about, something just snapped inside him, hasn't felt himself for a long time, doesn't love me enough to try...
Eventually he left in May 2016 and after staying a few months with friends and family he has now rented an apartment for 12 months which he has told my daughter he can leave at any time. We were doing family evening once a week which he says he enjoyed. He brings wine, food and we watch a film. He did tell me early on not to think family night was another rung on the ladder which really shocked me! I dont know if there is OW, probably is but I don't know how to find out or if I want to.
H is usually a very down to earth, friendly guy. He is very sensitive and everyone loves him so this has been a total shock to everyone. I feel so let down that he wouldn't even contemplate giving our marriage a chance. For the past 13 days I have gone dark. I don't want to do family evening anymore and my daughter, his step-daughter, is fed up of him as well. I am so confused with it all! He didn't want to talk to me about what I did wrong but I am DBng to try and improve myself.
Any advice would bad great!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum! I'm very sorry that you are here, but you are going to find that we have a close knit family that will listen, provide advice/suggestions and/or just be here for support.
Tell us more about yourself and your h. Did something happen in the last 18-24 months, i.e., death of a family member, co-worker or friend, birth of a child, job loss or promotion, etc.? Does your h exhibit confusion and depression? In MLC there is some confusion and depression is the main ingredient.
Whether he is a walkaway or in MLC, you would do the same thing: leave him alone, give him time and space, only contact him in an emergency and the most important thing...be sure your assets/financials are well protected.
I have linked your thread from Newcomers over here for easy referral/reading for the posters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Coly23! I hadn't realized you were watching me. I will confess that I've not paid too much attention to your thread but had noticed you and Cherry hanging out quite a bit.
Is your H showing any other signs of MLC? Depression, confusion, rash actions? A quick browse through your past threads makes it almost look like out of the blue he just gave you the ILUBINILU speech and wandered away.
Is he given any indication of his future plans?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Job, thanks for your message - this is just a little timeline of what we have experienced over the years since we got married. To be honest with you I didn't even think they were major enough to cause any strain on our marriage but see what you think:
Aug. 2010 - H and I get married
Early Dec 2010 - find out we are existing a baby
End Jan 2011 - miscarriage at 11 weeks - although H was never bothered about us having a baby he takes it quite badly and has more time off work than I do.
During 2011 and 2012 I become obsessed trying for another baby. I am told that I am perimeopausal and will not conceive. I am devistated.
2013 - H's company are taken over and H struggles with the amount of work. He is put on performance management but plays it down to me until I get it out of him that he is one formal meeting away from being sacked. I find out that he has not done very well with the objectives that he has been set and he is in denial. I suggest H resigns before he is pushed (which is inevitable as they did not want him in the new structure). He agrees and resigns. He was a shadow of his former self during this time and loses a lot of self confidence. I don't help as I am annoyed he didn't tell me how serious it was before. I am in HR and could have helped!
May 2013 - Feb 2014 - H struggles to find a job so has to get job seekers benefits. We pay a reduced amount on our mortgage at this time as I don't earn enough to carry us.
Feb 2014 - H finds an interim job which goes permanent but the travel is just too much so H starts looking for another job nearer to home.
June 2014 - I am made redundant
Aug 2014 - I find another job which starts in September 2014
July 2014 - H finds another job nearer to home but the role us extremely busy and still involves a lot of travel
I did start noticing that H was much quieter than usual just before Christmas but didn't really put it down to anything in particular. Another important issue is that H has a really low libido/confidence and we would go through these stages where he just wouldn't initiate for months and I would get very despondent and withdrawn. I tried not to initiate too much as I know it is not something he is really that interested in, but I realise that I was making if worse by putting all the pressure on him. We would then talk about it and he would apologise saying that he just got into a rut. It would be OK for a few months and then the cycle would start again.
H comes from a family who don't deal with emotions very well. They are a lovely family but they don't do outsiders very well and me and my D were considered outsiders. H has an older brother and sister. His brother married a girl he has known since he was 15 and his sister is in her late forties, unmarried and living with the parents. H had not had a long term relationship before me and only a couple of girlfriends. He has a LOT of friends the hp majority of white he had known since he was young. All ages and all sexes.
H was very loving to my D, his step daughter. He saw what her father did to her by abandoning her and promised her on our wedding day that he would be the father to her that that deserved. This is so out of character for him. He keeps saying he needs to be in his own and when I asked if we could maybe try again he said he didn't want any timelines. I don't know if he is fobing me off.
As I said in my first post. I have been dark for 13 days now and it's killing me...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
* the majority of which he had known since he was young! Not 'white'!!
AndrewP, when I first came into the Newcomers board I read your sitch from the beginning as I was intrigued about all the mind reading you said you did!
I didn't actually get the ILYBNILWY speech, I just got I don't love you and don't think I ever have speech! H got annoyed a little while later when I reminded him of what he said and denied he ever said that he didn't ever love me!
Between Xmas, when he dropped the bomb, and May I tried really hard to turn things around but he just wasn't interested. In the end I said if you have to leave then you should and he did. I didn't think he would be gone this long. I thought he would take a couple of weeks for himself but once he was out he was on that train and he wasn't getting off.
A couple of months ago I did suggest we have family evening and then maybe start adding in an evening where me and him go out and that is when he said he didn't want any timelines. He told my D that he can leave the rental fiat at anytime but I don't know if that means he has the option of taking somewhere bigger if it comes up as he is in a one bedroom apartment. He still has a lot of clothes and stuff at the house but again it could be because he diesnt have any storage. I'm going to wait for him to ask me. He says he isn't ready to add on an evening for us.
when he first left he didn't see any of his friends for about two/three months not even his best friend. He hid away from everyone. He has told friends now that life is too short and that he would like to carve out a friendship with me! Whatever!
I'm just so confused by all of this!!!
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - have either of you considered IC? Is you H open to that? It sounds like both of you have had a lot of stress and trauma that perhaps neither of you have had a great chance to process.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi AndrewP, I have just started some telephone counselling. I don't know if H would be receptivebro counselling although I have mentioned it to him before. Before he left I did say that I wondered if he was having a MLC and he said maybe so he did recognise something want quire right with him. As I am dark at the moment for all I know he is doing counselling but I very much doubt it...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Coly23 - the fact that he recognized that something wasn't "quite right with him" could be a good sign. Does he have any friends that he's still in touch with that you are two? If he's still feeling lost and confused that might be a method of nudging him along.
I know that earlier in our journey that my W had actively looked into counseling but when she was on her big "up" cycle in June she looked at me with contempt when I suggested it and commented that it had been doing me good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He may recognize that something is off w/himself...but I wouldn't speak to his friends about nudging him in the right direction. If he's in MLC, he will not take kindly to others trying to offer up suggestion on seeking out medical and/or professional care. I would hate to see him distance himself from his friends at this time and, of course, if the friends say something to him about it, he will have a pretty good idea that you were the one that asked them to speak to him.
He may not appreciate his friends saying anything to him about what he's feeling at this time. In fact, your h may very deny that anything is wrong. Like addicts and alcoholics, he may very deny that he has a problem and won't appreciate someone talking to him about this. This is something that he has to fix. Remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. He has to fix himself and it will be on his timeline, which is extremely slow. The more interference in the processing of the crisis, the longer it will take for him to work those his issues and hopefully come out the other side a more mature, responsible man.
I suggest that you leave this alone for the time being. Don't involve others in trying to nudge him along. I've seen this happen many times and it's backfired. Sit quietly, listen to what he has to say and you can gently ask questions and make suggestions if he should ask for them. This is his journey to figure things out.
