You have absolutely nailed it. My W was the former tonight (and naturally is) after being so nice earlier (roller coaster etc). I am definitely the latter. It might be that my MIL was there gave me a lovely cuddle and a kiss when I saw her and one when I left. W wants the rewritten history to work. Clearly it's not.....I was just me, kind, nice, talked fun - normal.
S6 was all 'Daddy, I wanted you to come' he was so chuffed. Going every week now! I can't not. Bless him.
Just always got to be the best version of you and you are being that. Well done!
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Earlier you brought up the difference between being kind and cake eating. I really struggle with this? Have you found a border that works for you?
Being polite and respectful is a no brainer. DB always says talk less, let the other S start the convo, etc. How have you been managing extra requests?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
I truly think in a waywards mind that they believe the rewritten history they tell themselves. Events that never happened. Good on you for seeing her m and showing her what a great guy you are.
That's great, it would have meant a lot to s to see you both together watching him. Bet you were brimming with pride towards him.
Yep you're right. I think it does ourselves a world of good when we start really looking into ourselves and making ourselves happy positive people. And it's infectious, you naturally pull people in if you are a happy person, that's the kind of person that people like to be around.
Keep smiling and keeping up the good work
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I keep reminding myself that no matter how awful WH treats me that I will find a way to keep our children undre the umbrella of our love. You're an inspiration for me to do that.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Earlier you brought up the difference between being kind and cake eating. I really struggle with this? Have you found a border that works for you?
This is still work in progress for me. I think the more you detach the less you ride their roller coaster and the less you get pulled into their emotional drama - the circus as such. With that comes clarity as your emotions stabilise. You will get the odd wobble but that's normal.
With stable emotions comes clarity of thought. In short you become the natural you. The kind caring you. Not the one that is the beaten dog or the eggshell walker. You don't feel the need to react as such you just see their actions. You observe but kind of think 'okay' (not even 'whatever' just 'okay').
When you can do that you will naturally think less about cake eating and be the nice kind you without these thoughts clouding your usual actions or impulses.
I think phrases like cake eating are catchy. And whilst catchy phrases help to clarify we can get hung up on them. So I would tend to avoid worrying too much about cake eating and sorry more. Out what will make your spouse think - that was kind. Do the things that leave her smiling and saying thank you. Because that builds the relationship. Anything that does the opposite is negative.
Obviously, if you are facilitating OM contact openly that is not ideal at all. But if you are giving her time and you get to see the kids. Try not to worry what she is up to.
Hope that helps. If you can more specific I will give you my view.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
I feel strongly that doing things that are ultimately for the kids are good and should be done without worrying about cake eating. If ww was such a lousy mom that you took full custody, that wouldn't be cake eating to me, even though it would let her carry our her messed up life with no responsibility. You just do it and move on.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I am troubled by something and would appreciate anyone's thoughts. Basically, W moved out taking circa 50% of a lot of money I put in an account for her (a tax efficient savings account in her name) only she can access this. She has he ability to spend it all. Then D and take what she can from the rest of our assets - say 50%. she has talked about buying a house to the kids, but needs to D to do that. She has instigated mediation and I have completed my forms to move forward with this - but she has not. I don't know why. But we are all kind of in limbo. I don't want to D my W as its her journey, butt I do think we need to move forward either reconcile (my W is so dead set against this, I just don't think it will happen - I am also getting to the stage where I don't want her back, for certain as she has been and probably still is). So what is the answer. Sit still as she fritters always �10's of thousands, get L to send a letter to say what is happening.....any views. I am sure when the money runs out I will become the bad man for not providing access to any more money etc. I am also providing her with roughly 50% of her take home money. Effectively I am paying for 2 houses and the. Also giving her monthly income on top........thoughts on this???
In terms of the rest of the sitch. Had a few meetings in town then a curry for lunch yesterday with ex colleagues. Also had a few pints and a l other curry in the evening. Too much 'man food'. Feel a bit icky so I am starting the day with a swim.
W dropped kids and I took them to school as per this morning. All good and kids happy. W seemed pretty normal. Kids will stop today so I will see them from late PM and will take them to school tomorrow. I then have them from Friday to Sunday night - hopefully Monday am so I can take them to school.
All going well re: detaching again. I feel very little emotionally for my W. I do love her and miss her company but no emotional rides. I am just going to treat her like I would a sister/neighbour today. Kind but no attachment.
I would appreciate any thoughts.
Surfer.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Good job on the detachment. That svcks about the money situation. Is it possible to do some sort of legal separation to protect your money? I know that's not always an option but it would be good if it is.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
I have locked all accounts except these. So she needs to get a D to get say 50% which is fine. I will continue to give her unofficial 'maintenance'. I think we perhaps need a grown up chat - i.e look, this can't go on. How much do you need? Then get it formalised. Can't see another way around it really. Problem is I am not sure she will engage, she might just go hostile, but if she wants to D then she needs to start moving it.
