WW Starting to talk again. Not sure if I want her.

[Surfer]

Bigybiz

Earlier you brought up the difference between being kind and cake eating. I really struggle with this? Have you found a border that works for you?

This is still work in progress for me. I think the more you detach the less you ride their roller coaster and the less you get pulled into their emotional drama - the circus as such. With that comes clarity as your emotions stabilise. You will get the odd wobble but that's normal.

With stable emotions comes clarity of thought. In short you become the natural you. The kind caring you. Not the one that is the beaten dog or the eggshell walker. You don't feel the need to react as such you just see their actions. You observe but kind of think 'okay' (not even 'whatever' just 'okay').

When you can do that you will naturally think less about cake eating and be the nice kind you without these thoughts clouding your usual actions or impulses.

I think phrases like cake eating are catchy. And whilst catchy phrases help to clarify we can get hung up on them. So I would tend to avoid worrying too much about cake eating and sorry more. Out what will make your spouse think - that was kind. Do the things that leave her smiling and saying thank you. Because that builds the relationship. Anything that does the opposite is negative.

Obviously, if you are facilitating OM contact openly that is not ideal at all. But if you are giving her time and you get to see the kids. Try not to worry what she is up to.

Hope that helps. If you can more specific I will give you my view.

Surfer.