Still in the Storm

[Jer2911]

Thanks Job!

Had an IC today that was very helpful... As I mentioned in a previous update, recently split with a GF I was involved with over the past 9 months. The short version is that we are both just in different places in life and want/need different things. There is more to it than that, but this breakup is also helping me realize that I just need/want a whole lot more time alone.

My therapist assured me that it is perfectly okay to just want to be alone and not be in a R with anyone right now. I knew that going in to the IC session, but have been wracked with guilt because I am ending something with someone I love very much -- I just can't give her what she needs. I just wish this wasn't hurting her as much as it is.

To be clear -- I was not looking to date anyone when she and I started seeing each other. We've know each other for over 20 years as friends. The reconnection/dating happened because of our history together.

I now realize that it started during a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was after the D and trying to settle into my new reality as a single mom trying to co-parent with an MLC exW. I now know that I need to be alone for a while to continue sorting through a bunch of stuff inside of myself, to do some soul-searching, to focus on parenting/co-parenting, and to just have the much needed solo downtime to recharge on my weeks without the kids.

Of course, because I got myself into this by allowing the dating situation and the R to develop, and because I am mainly the one calling it off (although she has been hinting at the need to end things for well over a month -- she just never did it and now I'm the bad person who ended it), I now have to deal with the messy consequences. Yes, I should have listened to the vets here on the issue of dating... lesson learned the hard way.

In happier news -- there is also the upcoming solo vacation that I am SO excited about. I can't wait... It's to a place I have always wanted to visit and it will give me plenty of time outdoors where I can be "one" with nature.

As for my exW... still spinning in orbit I believe. I am beginning to see some different dynamics with her and OW, so I don't know if there is trouble in fantasy land or what is going on. But something is different or shifting with the two of them.

As for the interactions between exW and myself, they have been very friendly over the past several months but lately she seems to be cycling more. One day she's friendly and the next day I almost expect "monster" to return. But I haven't seen "monster" in about 8 months and then it was only very briefly over a small incident with a family member. But the cycling I am seeing now also makes me wonder what is going on at the other house.

It really doesn't matter much if there is -- exW is still deep in the middle of the tunnel. My primary concern if there is some trouble brewing between exW and OW is for the kids, which is another reason for me to focus on being the best parent I can be for them right now.