Her MLC: The Battle I Didn't Choose

[Brubeck]

Reporting on GALing is boring but I'm criticized when I don't do it, so here goes: I've tried making pit stops at a bar I pass on my bicycle route home from work. I only did it twice and it was just to take a breather to be myself in between being the boss and being Dad. 2 pints of beer in 45 minutes. Being in a different environment is nice, but I haven't found a neighborhood bar for me, and pub regulars are kind of depressing for me. I started working harder at my appearance and I've enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I bought a diving watch I really like and I bought a skull ring to replace my wedding band.

I left last night to eat dinner alone. I hated leaving my sons, and they cried when I left, but I didn't want to cook. I went to a bar & grill that has open mics on Sunday nights. I sing around the house constantly, but I want to try singing in public. It's a big fear I want to overcome. I'm perfectly comfortable performing onstage with my guitar, but singing is so personal.

W did her first marathon Saturday morning. It was a 5K at the suggestion of MLC Friend #2. When she returned home from the race, I prompted the boys to clap when she entered the room. We all applauded and I shouted "Yay Mom! Congratulations!" She said it took less than an hour and she walked half of it, but she seemed glad she did it. She spent more time having breakfast afterwards.

I spoke with JEC Friday evening. She senses I am still trying to blame myself for the MLC because it creates a responsibility for me to fix it and somehow take control. She also said at the same time I am trying to convince myself that W is not really in MLC because I am in search of finding a reasonable explanation in a situation that has none. It's all crazy to begin with. I am refusing to acknowledge the craziness, because I have no control over it.

This is the self work that I struggle with. I am wound up because I feel she controls my future in the following way; I will have my identity altered against my will. I will become a part time father. My quality of life will be diminished because child support will keep me broke for many years to come. I feel like a D is just an inevitability, and because of her adultery, I want a D myself half the time.

Everybody assures me that I'm going to be okay, everybody says just to keep going strong for the boys, but I don't feel okay. Everything feels uncertain and while I don't expect certainty in everything I am certain that being a part time dad who will spend the next decade robbing Peter to pay Paul is going to taste like a never ending bucket of yuck. There was a time when I was just focusing on assuring myself that I wasn't to blame for all this, now I'm looking at my family and and thinking it doesn't matter if it's her fault, it's unpleasant for my sons and I.

My anxiety is returning - that problem of "living in the future". I try to prepare myself for the worst by imagining various difficult scenarios. I suppose this is part of my control problem, I am creating things to fix by telling myself how I would navigate through them even though they haven't happened yet. I guess I am not letting go, when I don't even know what the hell it is I am holding on to. Why am I always trying to scare myself?

Without any choice, I've had to snoop less, and it has reduced the stress a bit. Since going back to work, I am not able to listen to her daytime conversations. What little I am still able to see or hear makes me very angry or very sad, because it's just more lies or exaggerations about my behavior.