I don't think I'm anywhere near "ready" to be in a R with the new one. However, she's as informed as she can possibly be and frankly I'm not sure where I'd be without her. So yes, I really have considered what this is doing to her as well. As an aside, she was actually the OW in another marriage where the H went back to his wife...not justifying, but we've had this conversation, she knows how I feel, and we're open about what's happening. Still feel incredibly guilty from time to time.
I've been going to counseling since the very beginning of all of this, but I'm still having major problems in GAL. I got to keep the house, but it's so incredibly hard to be there by myself for any extended period of time. I've actually been more active in the past year than at any time since my mid-20's...hiking, mtb'ing, golfing. I am having major issues with getting out and meeting new people though...part of me has no desire to do so...part of me doesn't remember how to socialize without the xW considering she was so adept at setting that up for me. That, and all my friends are married with kids now...my entire social life w/ the xW consisted of her work events. I was really getting into drinking FAR more than was healthy, but I've recently got a handle on that, so that's been a positive thing.
The one thing that is really bugging me lately is that although I still desperately love and miss the xW, looking at who she is now and all that she's done...there's literally no way that I could ever justify being an acquaintance of her, let alone let her back into my life. Only, half of me wants that more than anything. Drives me nuts.
The other think that kills me is that our common friends really think that I'm the bad guy in all of this due to the xW trashing me at any opportunity. I think I did the right thing by cutting off contact w/ her family and better friends, but she definitely is still talking to mine. I know I can't and shouldn't ever try to control what other ppl think, but makes me sick all the same.
Ugh, I just can't believe how bad this all still [censored].
ME-37 W-34 T-8 M-4 ILYBNILWY BD: 8-31-2015 EA suspected - 11/1/15 PA confirmed - 1/22/16 W files for D - 2/4/16 D - 8/9/16
