Just keep plugging along

[cbtdad]

Roist, thank you very much for the words you wrote. I do think so much of that is true. It's changes over a long period of time that she wants to see. I've noticed as this has happened she has definitely distanced herself again. It's almost like going back to beginning it feels like.
I had such a rough week and it certainly not who I want to be or what I want this marriage to be like. I can definitely tell that I begin to revert back to my old self when I feel insecure in the relationship. Which is the exact opposite of what I need to do to get what I want.
My suspicions are purely fear based. I have nothing factual whatsoever to go on.
I just really hate the lack of transparency I feel in our marriage. She has password on everything. Her laptop, phone and iPad. I'm almost certain it's because I'm guilty of snooping in the past for sure, but it's hard to go back to those negative thoughts I had from the past. I was definitely burnt before and I guess I haven't fully gotten over it. I think a big part of that is the fact that I felt like "plan b" and that she never really took full ownership of it. I think the fact that it got buried and a bandaid was put on it is a big part of the problem
The problem is though that me bringing that up is just "more of the same" and does no good for her, me or the marriage. Its like ruining into a brick wall over and over again.
What is bothering me the most right now is how close we were feeling and now I feel so distant again. I feel as though she could be done
We are headed out of town for a wedding this weekend and my goal is zero R talk, zero pressure, and just to have fun