For me, being called abusive and then later having my words distorted to make it look like I was that crazy mom trying to keep poor hubby away from son was REALLY traumatizing. It made me really question myself. It made it difficult for me to make decisions. Having the person I trusted and committed myself to villify me the way he did was probably the worst part. I feel really damaged because if it. It's like I'm not sure how to be anymore.
I've been put off at times by the personal growth attitude on these forums.
In the beginning it's "I want to grow so I can save my marriage". Then it's "I want to grow so I can be healthy in a future relationship". Both very reasonable, good desires.
How can personal growth be bad? When it supports an unrealistic and impractical view of relationships. If we are convinced that through personal growth we are going to be more mature, selfless, balanced, less needy, able to hold out for a healthier relationship, and better recognize the 'flags' of others and find a better, more mature partner, without foo/personality/addiction disorders, and somehow through our growth, maturity, independence, self love, and wisdom, we are going to have this wholesome robust marriage that we've always longed for...in the end I don't think that helps anyone, because it disqualifies almost all potential partners either at the onset or once the bubble bursts.
i really do not disagree with this. It would be nice to be accepted for my imperfections and to accept someone else's imperfections. For me, it's trying to find someone committed and faithful. And accepting that my husband was not (although not sure about the faithful part) . My parents are so flawed to the point where you can probably make a sitcom about it. And they just deal with and accept those flaws. That is what I want. I think the red flags I seek in someone are going to be based on finding someone committed and faithful vs. caring about other issues. Although this scares me, because I thought my husband was like that.
I personally feel a big gap between how I feel about myself, and how I feel others would feel about me. Personally I feel I am an awesome guy, and a great potential partner. Like some woman would be very, very lucky to get me. I am 100% committed, not just to a relationship, but to making it a good relationship. I am smart enough to understand a lot of how relationships work, but humble enough to understand that what my partner thinks is just as real and important and I don't have it all figured out. I am gainfully employed, driven, loyal, funny, and dedicated to my partner. I would never cheat. And I am prepared to navigate through all seasons for the long haul...YET...though I feel I am a great catch, I don't feel like I'd meet the requirements of most women or pass their red flags, I feel I'd bring some 'deal breakers' that would eliminate me. It's very odd, I feel I am a catch that no one would want. I see the confident, tall, suave, alpha males, and think I am more genuine and committed and tougher and deeper than most, yet in the social market value world their stock is high, and mine is disqualified. I feel the standards are unreasonably escalated standards. So it's like I imagine a few dating types:
I think it's great that you are confident in what you can bring to a relationship. that's a sign of a really nice guy, because I notice you do not seem to be making demands of what you want in a female. From a female perspective, I wouldn't worry about the social market value. I remember reading an old post between you and jelly regarding those concerns. Quite frankly my husband would score high on those scales, but those types of scales are just so superficial and mean nothing.(car driven, shoulder/waist ratios???) you wouldn't want a person that those things matter to anyway. You don't necessarily have to be classically good looking to be attractive to someone.
Inexperienced women that don't know what they are signing up for, and will likely bail when things get tough.
Divorced/separated women who's response is to say "I won't put up with that again, I'm more mature and I deserve someone else who is too, I am not going to ever be that needy again so I don't have to settle for that crap..." I won't make that cut.
Partial relationships, in which both people settle for a half a$$ relationship, where they don't marry or move in together, but retain bf/gf status and go places on the weekends.
i wrote something similar to mustard seed regarding potential dating pool. Except my choice b is the divorced men who walked away from their wives and kids but claim their wives pushed them away. I am currently dating someone in choice a. (And yes it may be too early to date someone but that's another story and post because I'm having some doubts). Major red flag for me is that he feels divorce is ok and that he doesn't understand that marriages are not based on things always being easy and wonderful betweent 2 people?. That it is not a matter of meant to be
I have learned a lot from my experience, and I'm not the man I was, but I don't subscribe to the idea that I am going to bloom into Zues2.0 and I'll suddenly be worthy of a relationship and love. Personally, I think I was worthy of love and commitment before, and while I would do things differently, if the partner that married me, committed to me, had children with me, spent the first part of her life with me, and gave herself to me without reservation and regardless of my flaws...if SHE left, then how is a person with higher standards and more screening and more cautious to make a commitment and stronger boundaries willing to put up with less crap...how is THAT person going to put up with me?
That's why I am discouraged. That is why I am sometimes put off with the compulsion towards personal growth. I'm doing the best I can, but I do have foo/personality/addiction battles, and I don't want any relationship I enter to be conditional on meeting standards I don't know I can achieve.
i agree and have written something similar. Especially concerning losing the parent of your child. But it's hard coming to terms with the fact that your spouse did not feel that way and there is nothing you can do about it regardless of whether you are right. I know that any spouse or relationship I have is going to have issues. So as long as it's not unfaithfulness, it might as well be the parent of my child.
This isn't aimed to be critical of DBers that are growing, recovering, and trying to avoid toxic situations. That's what we are here to do.
These are just my feelings. Mine. My issues. But I wanted to share and talk about it. Maybe there are other people that feel the same way and can understand this. If nothing else, maybe it helps people understand where I'm coming from on some of my less mainstream views.
