Maybs - Pt 4 - where to now?

[maybs]

Cherry, that doesn't seem excessive at all. I wish I could rearrange the furniture more but our house is quite small and things in the living room and bedroom only fit into the room a certain way so most of it has had to stay put. I did buy and hang new art/photos and changed up some of the (idk what to call them) items out on display to make it feel more like me and less like "we".

I will not lie I've been having a bit of a rough time since mediation last Thursday. Not swinging so low as I used to but more of a quiet contemplation. I never expected to be in this situation in the first place and then once I was I guess I never thought it would get this far.

I feel as if I've done a pretty decent job of becoming detached and GAL and letting go but those things don't necessarily stop me from just remembering everything.

Sometimes, it does seem quite crazy to me that two people can have such drastically different recollections of the same relationship. I'm not naive and I wouldn't say everything was always perfect and great and happy, but for the most part it was happy and fun and we had a great relationship. I don't know exactly why I'm thinking about my W rewriting history right now. I actually haven't heard her do it in quite a while.

I think what I really struggle with is that I miss her and I feel like that's pretty normal but then I get sucked into these cycles of "she probably misses me on some level too" followed by "no she doesn't give a crap" and I know it doesn't really matter what she thinks or feels and for 98% of the day it doesn't matter to me either.

Part of me just cannot wrap my head around Thursday. She was so different. I try to focus on the small steps forward that we make but when I do step back and look at the last 3 months I can't believe how big of a difference there is and yet there's still so much space between us...