[BrightFuture]

So, here are some updates… First of all, I think I was wrong about H and that crazy woman friend at the vacation home. There are some indications that this friendship is still going on somewhat strong. Doesn’t matter to me, as long as she doesn’t intervene in my business, and this seems to be the case at the moment, so I’m good.

As for H… His b-day gift for me kind of thrown me of the track… And I’m straggling to get back on it. I remember that before my B-day I was so determined to start closing that chapter of my life with H, and I was feeling somewhat peaceful about that. Then this lipstick gift came in… And no matter how hard I try not to make anything of it, it seems to derail my process of moving on. Don’t get me wrong here. I’m doing what I need to be doing in my life for me. It is just I’m getting drawn back to my “previous” life with H. It’s like I now see H in a good light, just as he used to be before this disaster MLC. I don’t see anything bad in him. I see the person who didn’t know how to deal with life, who made mistakes, who didn’t really mean to hurt me, etc… Is that insane? What is wrong with me?

And the latest thing… I was looking at my company account trying to figure out if all of my invoices have been paid. I was checking the bank account, since I don’t have the most recent company file from H. I saw the transaction that looked like he paid himself. It was on Friday. There was no e-mail or text from him, which was unusual. He would not normally let me know, because I would need to pay taxes. So, I waited until today, and there was still nothing from H. I texted him and asked for the recent company file, because I need to cut a check for myself as well. He replied right away that he paid himself and he tried to send a file, but it would not go through. I asked when he paid himself and he said it was on Friday. I then texted him that in this case the state taxes need to be paid on Monday (tomorrow) or Tuesday.

I got crickets in response… So, I was thinking that he is deep back into the tunnel… being irresponsible again… and that I need to figure out the way how to handle this… A couple of hours later, my phone rings… The first though that came to my mind was that it was H… (what are the odds , last time he called me… I can’t even remember when…) And… it was H!.. telling me that he was trying to send this file again and got the size limitation error. So… he didn’t just drop the matter… He called me on Sunday! When I would expect him to be parting with his friends… watching the football…

So, to cut this short, we talked… about how to send the file and some other options… I took him through the steps that I thought would fix the issue (I’m a computer nerd sometimes, ya know…LOL…). We were on the phone like three times, while trying to figure out the solution. And, at the end he was still not able to send me the file.

This was so surreal… to talk to him on the phone… and talk about some issues… and like nothing happened… I’m so confused now… It’s like these 4 years after BD, separating us… were nothing… Out conversation was just like old times, when I would help him with the computer issues… (he did say that it was a usual matter about him and computers, as the file worked for me, but not him, Lol.) He did sound a bit nervous... I was not, I was just me… Did anyone had this experience, like the time stood still… I think I mentioned this feeling of a waking up to a “Groundhog” day again ever morning, just like in the movie, “I got you Babe”.) I thought this feeling was gone for some time, and I was moving along with my life quite nicely. And then this…

I’m just trying to figure out what all these feelings mean to me. Am I delusional? I certainly don’t want to be in this for 12 years (like in the story bttrfly mentioned on her thread), but… Do I need to give it some more time??? Or, do I need to just cut everything off? Obviously, H is not doing it. I’m curious to see if this company business ends up to be more of a hustle. Again, my logical brain tells me that if a person is unhappy and doesn’t want to do anything with his/her former life, he would separate everything and not rely on other person (former spouse) for anything. I might be asking a rhetorical question here, once again, but why in the world would H still want to do business with me. How much easier it would be to have his own company and not needing to go through this hustle to exchange the files… take care of the joint credit cards… car insurance… etc… I’m pretty sure that at this point he is very much capable of handling this stuff on his own, or with the help of his friends.

I might be getting 2x4s here about how I need to just separate everything we have in common… Just like all my friends and relatives like to tell me every chance they get… I don’t know… I would appreciate some opinions here… I know that I’m not the best writer… and I don’t express my feelings and thoughts like other people can. I do my best… Thanks for listening…