Still keeping it real...

[123Gwen]

Finally starting to believe fall is not too far away. Leaves are still green and yesterday the high was 90 but mornings and evenings seem to carry a whisp of coolness.

Thought I was doing better with this new chapter. In many ways I am better but in other ways I feel adrift.

H is living with OW far away, in a newly built house, wearing matching wedding bands and attending a church as a couple on the welcoming committee. The internet is a blessing and burden...

Only contact in months was a few weeks ago - Had to email him to pay D's counseling bill because he ignored it for months. Felt like his other as I had to explain the consequences so he would pay as agreed in our separation agreement (D is 18 so her credit would be at risk) Received a one line text an hour later "it's been taken care of" I sent a thank you.

Trying to GAL and continue with IC. Joined a writing group and searching for a new job. I am in a place of acceptance but still overwhelmed with doubt and grief that casts a shadow. Not really able to trust my inner voice. Definitely unable to banish this feeling that I can't trust my impressions of anyone else. At times I feel paralyzed and anxious in crowds and social situations. I used to be able to enjoy social situations but now I second guess what I say and how it is received. My confidence is at an all time low.

They say the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. I am not bitter these days just sad and unsure. How did I spend decades with a false sense of reality? And now the lies and indifference are weighing me down because I can't seem to detach from it. I think a little anger would be productive but I've never been able to get to there - perhaps because he ran away under a guise of lies.

Maybe it wasn't MLC??? I mean I thought we'd been happy and I have emails and pictures and parties for over 20 years then my mother died in our home, oldest D went to uni, H had career issues and long commute and serious car crash. I was unaware and naive but perhaps I had been unaware and naive for longer. I just never imagined his love was on a path to discarding me and our children.

H texted the girls a few weeks ago to enjoy their year at college and he's always answer their calls. H hasn't returned to them since he left town over 2 years ago. He never asks me any details about them (like school or why the doctor bills for an er visit?) He sends bday and xmas hallmarks with a small gift card but the one time last year I confronted him last year about why our youngest was going to see a counselor he said, "she gives me nothing" D's choose not to answer and I fear H blames me but they are older now and I tell them that I love and support them if they choose to have a relationship with their D or if they don't.... I really am neutral but I won't force them as young women to be treated with disrespect. If H was leaving the marriage wouldn't he have visited them? Attended graduation or done something other than texts and hallmarks? He left under a lie with a woman who was in our home.

Sorry for the rant - I feel very stuck. Perhaps this is my last gasp? - I think dropping the rope was never an option as H seemed to throw it away.