Chapter 4 - Acting As If

[bigybiz]

Surfer: Thanks so much for you post it means lots.

You and the second person that told me that she still loves me - it's just that she is so full of resentment and her other stuff that she won't let it out.

To answer some of your questions - no she does not appear to be unhinged and/or not there mentally. She is very good at being detached. As we know the WAW/MLC/WW has had years to develop this where the LBS has to do it quickly and consciously.

I really struggle with the line between being kind and cake eating. I'm so tempted to "nice her back" but, I know that won't work. I've invited her to have meals etc with us (as she feel's disconnected with the kids). Sometimes she says yes. I've told her I'm going to stop inviting her since she has declined more than accepted.

Her narrative is that she is on her own,I'm against her, everything she has achieved it was on her own and despite my trying to sabotage her and I'm trying to control her.

Further, since I live in our house with her kids, dogs, etc - this fuels her story that I forced her out. She won't give up this narrative until she decides to.

She does not see her behaviour as an issue. I'm doing my best to not let it impact me.

Right now I'm acting as if I have gone on without her. Someone I spoke to said my current approach is "look at all the fun we are having".

As long time followers know, I'm doing my best to present myself and the family as we are going on without her.

My only goal is to reconcile. I believe that with my whole heart and it's how my faith directs me. I won't be fine if we don't - on the other hand I don't know how long or when I will give that up? Years, after D after she remarries???

Until then I'm trying to be removed/detached. I'm trying to be "business like" she sees it as controlling. I've taken Sandi2's words to heart that I'm not her secretary.

I'm going out of my way at times to show her how easily she can be replaced i.e. me taking on the role she used to play and going on with projects and activities without her. Only time will tell if it works.

Thanks for your kind words. I'll catch up with you on your thread.