Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[PsySara]

I struggled with the decision to let WH be there. I am going to be brutally honest, I wish I had barred him from the room. He sat across the room the entire time and mostly looked at his phone. He barely said anything to me and was quite distant and cold. It was embarrassing because the doctor and nurses were staring perplexed at him. It was like I was the cheater and giving birth to someone else's child. It was just bizarre. Instead of me being able to focus on childbirth (and my heart condition that the affair caused made the delivery very high risk) I was busy acting cheerful and chatty so they wouldn't think I was upset. And it was just that, an act. He was even worse to me after the birth, extremely cold and sometimes rude. I was postpartum and very emotionally vulnerable and this was when I became suicidal.

Looking back I wish I had flown in a relative to take care of me and sent back to his work state. Having him around while he was still in the fog was not good for me. He had said he wanted to be there but I should have forbid it.

[Coly23]

Gosh Cherry, that's going to be so hard if he wants to be there at the birth. I know its his baby too but I worry that he will spoil the whole experience for you by being sulky and unsuportive. Maybe your back up plan should be with you through the labouring bit and then he can sit outside and come in at the end just as baby is being born. That will mean you have proper support but he still gets to see his baby born....

[Coly23]

Aha! Sara posted just as I was typing! I fear your H might behave the same way...

[Surfer]

Get your 'back up plan' there. I would expect nothing though and have H as your backup plan. If he wants to behave normally - 'be there' - that's then a bonus for him, but don't expect that - you will be fine with your back up person. Just seeing this from a practical DB viewpoint. Zero expectations having read PsySaras experience (PsySara - I am so sorry this was not the beautiful, loving experience it should have been for you).

Surfer.

[Cherry]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry you had to go through that in labour! That's absolutely awful, and at a time when you're so vulnerable and need someone. My last labour turned into an emergency, for both me and baby, and it was a long labour, and high risk so had to be monitored very closely. It's a hard one, my dear is he wouldn't even be contactable when I go into labour. I do like colys suggestion of having someone with me while in active labour (my last active labour was 18 hours!) and if he wants to be there, be there for the final stage. But yes surfer you're right I have zero expectations of him being there or being supportive.

Going to get myself up and at um. Got some GAL plans in for today for me and S , see a friend and then see some family. Feels a bit of an effort after a poor nights sleep and sickness, but I'm sure a little fresh air will make me feel a lot better. I haven't seen wh for a good few days, this is becoming the norm, and helps me to keep my chill a little better!

[Cherry]

He's back to his stint of ignoring me again. I shall leave him to it. His crisis, his problem. The only thing he did want to ask was where I was going. I don't read into this anymore but it does kinda astound me that they're always out on their own agenda, but feel the need to ask us where we are going and what are we doing!

Only prang I've had today was someone out wearing the same aftershave as wh. Was a quick stab in the heart that I shall let go of. I'll just add it to one of those firsts again and leave it be there. It's going to happen, I'm pretty sure that mr Armani does not make aftershave for wh only...

[Cherry]

Been given some insight as to what the conversation he wants to have is about, basically he has the papers and wants me to see them.. I'm not sure why or if I do.. but I will mentally prepare myself for this conversation. TBH I don't even know if emotions would get the better of me. I've known this is coming for a few weeks, I would in no way say I'm at peace with it, but I guess the fights gone out of me. I started determined thinking I could bust this d, but now he's found a place to live and he's filed, in just kinda "ok this is happening" and I'm working more on keeping myself together and getting stronger (which is effectively db and saving myself). Of course I'd love to save my m, but there'd be a lot of work, and the amount of hurt that he's caused me, I just don't see him ever coming back.

Despite this, when I did see him, I was upbeat and friendly enough, like a passing neighbour. He was asking how I was getting on in the pregnancy as he heard me being sick.. then he was the one wanting to continue to talk, but I said I had something to do an excused myself..

I'm kinda surprised myself I'm not a crying mess. I dunno if I'm numb and closing off my feelings, or if I am just at a stage of "why bother". He is treating me badly, and I'm not okay with that.

[Coly23]

Oh Cherry, he said he wanted to have a chat with you days ago. Is he just dragging it out for dramatic effect or not wanting to face up to what he his doing?

Has he definitely found himself a place now because if he has then maybe it's time for him to go. This must be mental torture for you, waiting for the 'talk'. Can't he just have the papers sent to your L to deal with. Why do you have to look at them? Sorry for so many questions!!!

((Cherry))

[Rose888]

((Cherry))

I have no idea if what I'm about to say is DB or not, but I would not let him in the labor and delivery room. For me, labor and delivery is about the mom. It becomes about the baby once the cord is cut.

I'd offer to call him when you get to the hospital. He can wait in a waiting area until the baby is born, and then he can hold the baby. He has lost the right to watch the birth.

Just my two cents.

[Cherry]

Coly, I have no idea, he keeps saying that the situation we are in makes him want to stay away from the home.. I felt like telling him that I highly doubt that will improve once he has gone, maybe that's just my opinion.

Yeah a months upfront rent is paid and the deposit. And I don't know, I've told him I don't want to have to deal with any of this, and it could just go through my L..

Rose, I know you're right. And this is something I keep flipping from. The first time was a complete different experience. I had a very long and traumatic labour, I was in total over 2 weeks (5 days as an in patient in slow labour, the rest complications from a nasty tear and infections after). He was amazing, and kept me calm. But this of course was when he was my loving husband and I could trust him with anything.. I'm starting to think that my friend and mama would be a better idea. I need someone who loves me in there just in case all goes wrong again. I guess I have it planned and people ready to be there. It is definitely one of the most intimate moments of a woman's life, and you are totally vulnerable. I don't want an experience like Sara had with a h sat in the corner texting, that will just put me more anxious and angry.