Thank you Nygal. I am making a list to make sure I don't forget anything. I don't want to take all my stuff because It feels like I'm helping her forget me but I know I must. & I know its necessary to move forward in either direction. anddddd OW doesn't get to cook with MY D with my fancy knives.
journaling / update went to D's soccer practice. Got there and W was sitting on the sidelines. Was going to sit on grass but it was super wet, W handed me her keys and said I could grab the other chair. I did. (not sure if I should've or not, but I did) I sat next to wife, Not too close. We had very small talk, only about soccer and weather. I was texting with a friend after some time, and I noticed W got on her phone as well. My friend was sending funny things so I kept laughing and texting back. Could see out of the corner of my eye W was scrolling through Fbook, and when she was typing she wasn't smiling like usual. Just an observation. Anytime I picked my phone up so did W. Soccer ended and we walked back to the cars. Said my good byes to D and over heard W on the phone with what I think was OW, in a very kind and sweet voice she said "i'll see you soon" I pretended not to listen. W got in her car and I had a moment alone with D. then W yelled from her car bye. I waved but tried to get going. I kept smiling, laughing (not with w) and keeping it short and sweet, light. and just pleasant today. Acting as if helped my mood overall. W was in her scrubs. She looked tired, she was leaning into the chair, I wanted to reach over and comfort her and scratch her head as I usually used to when she's so tired but It was only for a few seconds that I thought this, then she started talking and It quickly passed.
It doesn't hurt as much as It used to. Just because she finally admitted it doesn't mean I didn't already think it. It does pain me that it's no longer ME who she's calling, or making her happy. But there's absolutely nothing I can do. I believe I've finally come to accept that. (or i'm super close) W is going to do and be her and I will continue to work on me and do Cheesyt.
Was talking to a friend earlier about my W. Started looking at my pictures on my phone...I realized I could not find very many pictures where i could say "awwwww" I don't know if that makes sense. But perhaps I am seeing my W as a different person completely because I remember most pictures of W i think "awww" or "how cute" I believe I only found one. And she was sleeping. Me not thinking very good thoughts of my W is new for me. It's strange. I do not understand it.
Roommate, Bf and girls were home. They had just sat to have dinner. I sat and ate with them. Then RBF (roommates bf) made cookies. It was cloudy and dark by then. I had a moment where I looked around, it was nice and toasty because of the oven, kids were running, I sat at the table and roommate was eating cookie batter and I said "i could get used to this" for some odd reason I felt like we were...good? like this was familiar? I don't have exact words for what I felt. I told them I liked this, that I could see this picture in the winter with snow falling. roommate agreed and started adding a christmas tree "over there" and "I'll make hot chocolate" ...it was really nice. I joked with RBF and asked If he liked "this" and If roommate failed to tell him she has 3 daughters instead of two, one of which is 27 yrs old. RBF hugged me. It was nice. The more time passes the more plans and future I create. Without W. I'd rather have my future with my W but that's no longer an option. I'm working on being ok with making my own sole future, for me.
certainly would love to have my wife & D back, but sitting in my little room typing this, not really knowing what tomorrow is going to bring isn't so bad after all.
