Just keep plugging along

[cbtdad]

Honestly Cnut that glimmer in my soul and my passion is for my son. For the first few years of his life I was not the man or father that I would want him to be. I was very absent and it really got to me when I pulled myself out of it. I've tried to do so much more for him and I've tried my best to set a good example. I get so much joy out of life being with him. He's my passion

On another note. W and I had a bit of tiff yesterday. I guess my vent here wasn't enough to get it out. I was rubbing her back while she was in bed and she pulled away and said, "it's too hot"
I got upset and stormed out saying something about how common that is to hear from someone having an affair. I could tell I was really upset, but obviously didn't stop it soon enough. Five minutes later I sent a text saying, "It's ALWAYS "too hot" I'm freaking fed up and tired of this"
I didn't get a response, but then heard her get up and get dressed. She went to go get in her car to leave. I yelled at her and said, "see there you go leaving again. Enjoy your affair"
So once again I lose my patience and then there goes my temper and filter. I was so disappointed in myself.
Fast forward to tonight. I was looking at instagram. I noticed she posted the following quote yesterday. "Never give people choices you don't want them to make"
Well I couldn't help myself. I go upstairs and ask her what that meant. She was half asleep. She said, "I was mad a you. I will tell you tomorrow"
Well I then go back downstairs. I send her a text, "make your choice. I have"
I don't even know what that means or why I sent it. I'm just so mad for some reason and I really don't know the exact reason.
Yesterday when things settled down I told her that I go to that negative place when things feel distant. Over the last week it has felt distant to me for some reason.
I start thinking about the bad things that happened last time. I feel as if I was Plan B and that we only reconciled because it didn't work out with OM.
Now I don't know if this is true or not because we put a bandaid on the whole situation and it really never got discussed in depth because that's not how she operates
She has zero empathy for my feelings when it comes to that and has even said so. Has straight up said she doesn't understand how I can worry about that and feel that way. That's very unsettling for me.
I'm at the point again where I start feeling that we are or I am delaying the inevitable. That this will end in divorce and that I am just putting it off.
My W states in MC that she didn't think I would have the patience to make it this far and that I would give up. Maybe she is right, because I have been doing so well, but it's just messing with me emotionally so much to not be involved physically with my W
It's certainly taking a toll on me