Trying to detach - part deux

[Altair]

Coly,
Hope you're hanging in there. A month or so ago, from what I gather, friends/H's IC/someone was telling him to go no contact for awhile. We discussed it briefly. Anyway the time he came up with was 'maybe two weeks or a month where we don't see or talk to each other'.

[Coly23]

Thanks Cherry! I do feel I am making some progress but not as much as I would like. I recognise that there will come a time when he decides he wants to separate everything permanently so I need to get strong and prepare myself for that.

I think he is realising that D won't take any &h!t from him so he isn't pushing her for contact. I think that's good in a way but he will soon realise that he will no longer be her step Dad which will hit him hard.

Altair - your H confuses me! So he told you that he was going to go no contact with you for a couple of weeks/ month? Was that so you both had some space and did he achieve it? What is happening now, have you been out for a walk with him?

[Altair]

Oh Coly,
My sitch is more confusing than ever. If anyone can make any sense of it...
We never ended up doing the no contact break. why, I don't know.

I had a long standing invite to a party (tomorrow) and H out of the blue agrees to go (What time is this thing again?). It's a work thing and my work doesn't know about our sitch. But! He's not happy, sets a time limit, says we can arrive separately if I want to stay, to let him know, he'll pick me up but he cannot stay late. All these boundaries. He was unhappy in the convo, it seemed. I tried to be light.
I'll DB, I''ll go, in and out, keeping it light. But man, is he not happy. I just don't get this.
My stomach is in knots. Why?!

[Coly23]

I know this might be a bit strange but your H sounds a bit like me! He makes these grand announcements to get a reaction but then actually realises its not what he wants! So the no contact thing is a great example.

The work invite thing is a bit strange too. Again he's making lots of announcements about what he is or isnt willing to do. Maybe you should go back to him and say 'great if you can come. I'll meet you there'. If he's like me, I bet he'll stay for the whole evening!!!

[ForGump]

I think he is realising that D won't take any &h!t from him so he isn't pushing her for contact. I think that's good in a way but he will soon realise that he will no longer be her step Dad which will hit him hard.

Good.

You should tell him to man-up (or whatever you Brits say instead) and see his D if everything he used to say about loving her was real.

Otherwise just STFU about loving his D. A Dad doesn't walk away.

That's what I'd say.

I'm tired of B.S. parents who put their f$#<ed up emotional needs before their kids.

[Cherry]

I meant to say about getting in contact with her real dad, if he walked away and doesn't have much contact with her, is this a good idea. It might confuse her some more. And plus it may put extra strain on you, release old feelings, or be one more stress. I feel for her being old enough to understand, as much as she may come across hard and not phased by his bs, it may well do deep down.

And don't be too hard on yourself girl, this isn't easy at all, and you're moving forward. We all have slide backs from time to time, but as long as we pick ourselves up and carry on- that's what matters!

But I agree with forgump, it's hard to see people putting their needs over their children's. It breaks my heart that wh doesn't spend anytime with S at all and is never around for him, and I feel for this baby that isn't going to know him or have the same bond he had with S when he was born. But this is all totally out of our control. The only thing we can do is make sure that they are loved and cared for. It's hard some days when you feel pain to put a brave face on for the kids, but we do. I don't want my S to see his mama cry.

[hawker]

Just stopping by to offer my encouragement Coly! You seem to be moving forward a little bit at a time and that is good, I think I am the same way. I have felt sad this week, but I try to keep plugging away. I shed a few tears as well so don't be too hard on yourself!!

[SH_]

At the moment I'm doing a really good job of faking it at work but as soon as I get home I'm just a big mess! I know I will get through this and I will be stronger on the other side. Sometimes I have to be dragged kicking and screaming before I face up to things!

This made me smile...
I completely know what you are saying here...
Done this quite a bit in my days...

You are doing well...
One day at a time...
One less kick and scream each day.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with moments of calm, peace and joy.
You have earned it.

[Cherry]

SH, I think most of us have to be dragged kicking and screaming before we face up to things.. plenty of 2x4s of stop focusing on your spouse.

I've faced many a challenge in my life, and this is definitely up there on the hardest thing..

[Coly23]

Gump, Cherry, Hawker, SH thank you all so much for your encouragement and support!

Today I feel a sense of calm has come over me. I actually think this NC thing is doing me some good so far. I still miss H but I'm not desperate to see him and I haven't had that anxiety feeling for the first time today either.

SH, you probably guessed that I am quite a stubborn person and yes feel I am kicking and screaming a little less every day (but never in front of H, he doesn't get to see how much he hurt me) and I think this is because I have begun to accept what has happened rather than fight it.

I actually had a really lovely day today with D just pottering around. She wouldn't say the same though as she is currently grounded for having a party in our house whilst I was away!!

Have a lovely weekend everyone! X