Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[lt0402]

focus22 -- I have a collection of inspirational quotes I've copied into my journal. I read them all the time, and it does help.

So today, after me trying to get my W to go to MC with me for over two years, and having pretty much given up on it ever happening (and nursing that grievance that someone could BD, want to blow up the family, etc. and never even try MC for even a second), she tells me today that, if I find a "neutral" MC, she'll "go with me".

I'm deeply skeptical that this is anything other than a guilt-reduction box she's checking. In our last R talk, I told her how I was having trouble moving past the anger I feel that we never even had the chance to go to MC and work together on our problems (I know -- a mistake), so I think she's just doing it, as I said, to reduce her guilt ("see -- it didn't work, and I'm justified") and, maybe, to give me some sort of closure. So my first impulse is to say no and that I'm only willing if I get real assurances that she's all in and motivated to build a new relationship.

But then I think it can't really hurt at this point. We are getting a divorce unless something happens to stop the momentum in that direction, and it has 2+ years of built up steam in that direction, with a lot of bad developments recently. Why not go, at least as long as I know going in that it probably isn't going to work a transformation of my marriage? Maybe it WOULD give me some closure and/or maybe it would help her and I get back to a place where we can at least co-parent effectively. And then there I go, also fantasizing a little that, despite being closed to the idea at the outset, the process might work on her a little and start breaking some of the barriers down that she's built.

Any thoughts?

JR, you have a lot of the same doubts that I have with my W suddenly offering to go to MC. I find myself wondering if she's checking a box, trying to alleviate guilt, trying to leverage it to get me to see her view of custody as the right one, or if she is "falling on the sword" for our D9 by staying with me since I won't give her the 90% custody she wants. Regardless, I'm taking the approach of going and using my Ws actions and level of interest to gauge what her intentions are.

You and I seem to be at a similar spot emotions wise. I feel like I'm at a spot where I am fine if things don't work out with my W. I look at this woman who I loved and I just don't see the same person. I also don't see any way that we can work back towards a R both of us can be happy in. I completely get your feeling lost with regards to not seeing how you can possibly R.

All that said, I'd offer you give the MC a chance, if only to see what her motivation is. If her motivation is not driven by fixing the MR then it's easy enough to shut down the MC. I do wonder if the MC is a way for our Ws to regain control, as I was at a similar spot as you when my W offered it. Who knows.

The confusion of all of this is driving me nuts as well JR. I think at this point we don't hold out hope for the MC, but we are open to putting in the work if our Ws are. The key is not to lose focus on bettering ourselves and being their for our kids while the confusion tries to steal our focus.

Hang in there brother and I hope the MC offer is a genuinely good thing. Like everything else in our situations, it appears to be a waiting game.