Maybs - Pt3

[maybs]

Mediation was yesterday. I did technically get what I wanted and somehow I still feel crappy about it.

W was super different then she has been. I've been trying not to think about it too much but what I look at yesterday compared to when she moved out I see a huge difference.

When she moved out she was angry and spiteful and basically told me she hated me in a thousand different ways. Then we didn't speak at all for a month. Then all of August she would text or call me nearly everyday to temp check me. I saw her the last day of August and she was completely withdrawn from me, couldn't even look me in the eyes to hold a conversation, but yet she kept lingering like she wanted to talk.

Since the end of August I haven't really spoken to her at all. She only temp checked me a couple times. The only time I initiated contact was to wish her a happy birthday, but that's all I said.

Then yesterday...she was so different towards me. Our big issue was the house and I honestly don't think she decided to let me keep it until she was sitting in that room with me looking at my face. I didn't pressure her to give it to me, she's known I wanted it and I knew she wasn't sure she would agree to that. While we were waiting for our agreement to by typed and printed so we could sign she actually talked my ear off. About everything, things she hasn't talked to me about at all in months.
- her job and a bunch of details about it that she's excited about.
- her health stuff - medical equipment she's getting and is going to have to learn to use. Her C-peptide levels on her most recent blood work. How her insulin needs have changed drastically as her body creates less and less on its own.

A bunch of other stuff. I listened and validated and I felt like that's all I could do. I can't offer her support for those things like I used to, she fired me. And it felt weird that suddenly she was turning to me for these things and in my head I just kept thinking "why don't you tell ow about this? Why aren't you turning to her to support you?"

I have been kind of down since the mediation. But not because of anything she said or did. It just is the mediation itself. This still isn't what I want but I've accepted that it's what she wants and that's fine. Mediation just made it so real and it's got me in a weird space...