I Guess husband is stuck in a MLC

[ciluzen]

Hey, Amy. I'm sorry you had a bad night. Its part of this unwanted surprise package of MLC.

I think we all question whether our S is truly in MLC or if we just were in lala land about our marriages. But really, when you think about it...he not only left you in your time of need, but also his own daughter. Something is not right in his head, whether its MLC brought on by depression and stress, or a miserable marriage. If you can't come up with evidence of a relationship that could never function, I'd go with the former. The thing is, whatever the reason, you still DB if you choose to hang in. You just understand that if its a MLC, it will probably be a longer, crazier ride. Its all your decision. I'm still DBing even though we will be D soon. Not putting my life on hold, not hanging on to every little crumb, but just not shutting the door and walking away. Its your decision and no one else's.

You still have a connection to him through your daughter. Let him see you gorgeous and confident each time. Make eye contact and smile when you see him. Don't volunteer info about yourself or ask anything about him, not even "how are you?" Instead, try "hope you are well". If he talks, take time to listen (actively). Its all in Sandi's rules.

This man fell in love with you and had a child. On top of the normal ups and downs and stresses of marriage and fatherhood, he recently had to find out that he couldn't protect you from everything out there in the world. Part of being your H is feeling responsible for you, and being your protector. I'm sure in some way he feels like he has failed. That's pretty scary, to suddenly realize that things happen to people and he can't do a thing about it (as you well know). So what does he do? Feel shame for his inability to protect and run away so he doesn't have to be responsible for anyone but himself. And then feel shame for leaving. Confusion, stress, shame cycle, anger projected on to others, inability to handle the pain of those you care about, selfishness, depression...voila! MLC.

Its hard as heck. You'll question everything a million times. But really, all that matters is this: what do you want and are you willing to hang tough and DB for it? Because you're going to have to wade through the stinky muck and still somehow find the strength to force yourself to smile, look like you're a serene, confident glowing goddess and move on with a happy life while he works out his issues. And he may never do it. But you have a child together, so at least he can watch you being a rockstar. If he doesn't miss and want that, then he isn't worth your time. Your call, not his.