Life has changed, and I choose to grow from it.

[SH_]

So much has been in the brain or on my mind or wandering around in my soul...
However one can see or understand, this is what shadows and trains of thought roam the nether lands that are deep inside of me.....
That being said, I must dump some of the chaos and randomness out or I fear that I will boil over....
Something just does not feel settled deep inside....

This will be simply my journaling and random babble....
No questions nor inquiries for help...
Read at your own risk, as much of this may simply be useless musings and jibber jabber....

____________________________________________________________________________________________

First, I have been in a conversation with a neighbor here in the community about emotions and feelings. Much good things were shared and perspectives that varied, but headed in the same direction.
Good conversation and learning....
This post and my reply in the moment have cast a shadow over my thoughts and mood since...

Thank you for stopping by.

I welcome all advice, feedback, thoughts and hijacks. I'm not great about posting consistently, but I try and make my way back and read up on folks.

SH, you are correct that not feeling isn't possible, as that would mean that one was just stuffing emotions, and they are bound to resurface in less healthy ways. I actually feel many things but what I mean is lately I don't feel much attraction and love for my H. (that was hard to admit and even brought tears to my eyes)

Like most of you, I want my M. I want my family intact. I recognize that it is also the best thing for our children and our finances. I appreciate the value of being with the same person over time. I don't think that splitting up and moving on to the next person bring people more happiness. I understand that people make mistakes and that he made a terrible mistake. I even understand how this happened.

If all of you in DB land came together and created a list of what the wayward would need to do for the LBS to find forgiveness and have success in piecing, well he is doing it. But, there is a big but. None of that is changing the way I feel.

I am trying to go with my brain and not my heart. I choose each day to do what I believe is the right thing. I think I can accept what happened. But, I just don't know how I will feel over time. There is something I know I will need and want in love. It makes me so sad to say this, but I just don't know if this will work for me in the long run.

-Blu

Blu

Reading this creates a swirl of thoughts and emotions in me right this moment...

I have had these same thoughts running through me with much frequency....

I have fought to suppress them...
Shed some tears as you have just now....
Told my brain that we gotta get it and the heart on the same page...
Tried to suppress the emotions...
Bottle them up....
Tuck them away...
and throw them out....

I have struggled with feelings of guilt, because how can I be at this point after such a short time....
My W, did not cheat on me, nor do anything to me, except leave in a big hurry....
I felt that it was out of the blue, but with each passing day I look back and see signs and red flags popping up for years....
Have I thrown in the towel so soon?
I am still DBing...but is has been for me....and only me....not to bust the d....not since she left....
After she called me the other night, my d18 said I was acting odd...she asked me just out of the blue, "Dad, would you take her back?
I responded so quickly, that I was in shock...
I replied, "No."
"She would have to do to much work for me to even consider it....."
I then paused in my own state of shock as d18 looked at me.....
I then said, "I'll cross that bridge if we get to it." "But for now, I must complete putting myself back together and move forward."

Anyway, there I go again, babbling on.

My point Blu, is that what you share is huge.
I have sensed that you have hinted at this, but you have now expressed it.
And guess what?
This is your right and choice to make.
He did what he did, and is working his way back, but as I read a recent post by job, one of the options is that the LBS has moved on when the WAS/WS returns to reconcile.

I strongly believe, that you are putting in the work and when the time does come, you will know it and you will be able to say with your head held high and all the confidence in the universe...."I have made my decision, and it is......"

Blu, there will be no shame, regardless of that decision.
You have taken time, and put in the work, and even as he has done so as well, by him making the decision he did in the past, that means the next decision is yours....
There is no wrong or right, except, for what ever it is, that you deem is right for you.

((((((((((BlueWave))))))))))

Why has this cast a shadow in my mood.....
Is it perhaps, because I stopped and faced a demon that has stood in my path for more years than I want to admit....?
Still facing it...trying to determine how to defeat it....

My friend Blu has fought tooth and nail to do all that is right for her, her family and her WH....
She has put in the time and has earned the right to say out loud that in spite of all that WH has done to try and return form his horrible choice and most betrayful act a man can take....she may not want to take him back.
There is no shame in this.
Yes there are MR that survive this betrayal.
But there are also LBS that weather such a betrayal and move forward in life without reconciling and not only survive, but thrive....And no one judges and most commend them..
I simply do not think that there is a wrong or right, black or white answer here.

But, this is not the shadow for me as I have not suffered this betrayal......
I have felt the pain it causes second hand from my closest friend, from those I call friends here and from others that were more than simple acquaintances.....

So what is the shadow....
The shadow is as I replied to my friend, I shared that I am at, or even past the point of wanting to reconcile....
My W did not betray me....
She simply left me....
WAW's tend to have some valid reasons for doing so..
Mine may have had more reasons that I want to admit....
I have not put in much time to DBing....
I feel numb to her...her actions...her words...anything that includes her......
And the impact of my D18 asking me if I would take her back.....when it has not been a thought for me for some time now...

Why?

Was I really checking out of my MR a while back?
I recall vividly thoughts in my mind that go back years of not being in the MR with her because we simply could not seem to connect....
There were times that I entertained the thoughts for perhaps more minutes than I am proud to admit....I never acted on any of the thoughts....and I would always tuck them away and then try to do something to build our MR, because this was my duty as a H and father....

But did I do it because I loved her....?
This is the shadow...
My mind is not showing me this and continues to paint different pictures to present to me...
I honestly think that my own mind has repainted history for myself that I am starting to doubt many things about many more things.....
Grrrr....
The dull pain of emotion is boiling....
Tears today at random moments...
Tears that I can not put meaning to...
Tears as I write this now....

Would I take her back?
No..
Not now I would not...
It is a moot point as she will not come back...


My thoughts rarely go to her any given day, except when I get to exchange D6...

Now this is a dull pain I do identify...
I miss D6 every moment she is not with me...
But I feel myself adapting with the emotional habits of my life to build the wall.....
in the case I lose the opportunity to have her....
Yes, this haunts me and my dreams...
I can't stay living in this state...
She won't stay living in this state much longer...
What will the battle for my child look like?
I can not think on this now...
I can not allow worry and anxiety for this to move in.

My MD agreed to let me try and ween myself off of the AD's...
Slightly hesitant, but supportive.

I must know if the numbness is the meds or if it is me...
I must face myself now.
I must learn the truth and understand if I was the one that tore my family apart because of years of poor thoughts and doubts about my MR....19 years....
I must determine the correct history, face it, hold the proper accountability and then build from there.

There is a battle to be faced and fought.....
I must look myself in the eyes and know who and what I am...
Only then can I shape myself into the person someone can love and trust....
Only then can I look in the mirror at the man on the other side and say that I am proud to meet him.......