This is now a business deal gone sour. I know it's difficult, but you can't worry about whether she will think you are being vindictive or not. Trust me, if the shoe were on the other foot, she would definitely use your pension as a bargaining chip when dealing w/the house.
All assets, pensions, etc., should be brought to the table and then the talks should get down to the money talks/bargaining begins. You do what you need to do in order to secure a home for your kids. There is absolutely no harm in bargaining for the house and at this time, you need to think only of yourself and your children.
Just remember...this is now a business deal, leave your heart and emotions at the door when it comes to discussing money, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
