HalfTheMan & MLC-W

[HTM]

So had the first Relate Mediation/Separation appointment on Monday. It went ok, took some AA meds to keep on top of any panic attack before going in, perhaps it helped as I didn’t get upset/angry or interrupt when W or mediator were talking. Fortunately this meeting was eased by the NMO court order being discharged by my W two weeks previous -now confirmed by my L- so any heated separation talk wouldn’t result in me being dragged off by the police.

Anyway, at this stage we’re working towards a full/combined financial picture to then begin dividing fairly between us. Custody will be covered in later appointments, though W has remarked she’s happy for me to have Ss during school week/term if I buy her out of the family home and/or stay local.

Full financial disclosure is expected and requires all supporting documentation which both of us are still trying to gather. I’m curious to see if W comes clean wrt recent ‘Replay’ spending habits as I know she’s outspending her monthly income; suspect she’s had final demand(s) for credit card payments. However, the impasse is not going to be her debts but her Pension. The Cash Equivalent Transfer Value (CETV) of her Pension is more than double mine due to her vocation & it being funded by the public sector. Plus she has been paying into this long before I started my pension.

During the meeting W got emotional/tearful when the Mediator touched on her Pension being a marital asset, “That’s all mine, I worked hard for all that!” I already knew that a pension can be used to offset more tangible marital assets, i.e. the house. A friend of mine had to give up his house to his XW during his divorce settlement because his pension was so substantial.

Now here’s my dilemma… do I utilise my W’s higher pension value to leverage a better deal on settling over the house?

By doing this am I justly protecting & securing the immediate to mid-term financial stability for S11, S8 and me? Having to re-mortgage and raise £65k instead of £130k makes buying W out of the family home much more viable. Additionally, w/ both Ss living with me for approx 70% of the week, W will have to pay alimony too -pretty sure her avoidance of reality means she’s unaware of any of this!

I can’t help but ponder the long term R damage my decision will have; worried that W will see this as me being bitter/vindictive for her wanting out of the MR, a Parthian shot. And what of the extended family and wider friendships that would certainly be soured, outsiders of the MR won’t know my side of the story, I’ll look like a complete bar-steward for doing this to her!

I discussed all of this with my IC this week & he at least alleviated my concern about my in-laws, remarking that chances of paths crossing in future will be minimal, however, he is of the opinion that the MR cannot be saved -a DB non-believer- but for now he is beneficial to my mental well being so I continue to see him.

I intend to discuss this with my L and get a legally objective take on the matter ahead of next months follow up appointment.

Grateful for any input from the DB community too.