Trying to detach - part deux

[BluWave]

Gawd, I just though I had a great 180 opportunity and blew it!

I think I still might have looked a bit sulky but for me the 180 would have been to thank him for picking up D as it saved me a journey instead he must have sensed I was a bit annoyed. I'm such a clutz!!!

(((Coly)))

I have a MUCH better 180 for you! Stop being so hard on yourself!!! You are way too hard on yourself! Have you heard that before? Why do I think that everyone in your life must tell you that ...

I spent a loonnnggg time screwing up! In fact, I am sitting here blushing because it is dawning on me that some of you (SH, ahem, ahem) perhaps think too highly of me and my advice. So let me jump off of my pedestal for a moment and give you some examples of how I "blew it," Coly.

(Excuse the momentary hijack, if you will :-)

-I texted my H and OW in a group text and told them what POS they were and how much I hated them. (uh, yeah, I actually did that. Twice I recall)
-I would follow H out to his car yelling and once I actually grabbed his bag so he couldn't leave. Pretty sure the neighbor's heard. (Yup. Guilty as charged)
-And icing on the cake!?! ... wait for it ... I invited everyone (including his family) except him, to one of our kid's bday parties. (I am not kidding. I was vicious!)

The award for blowing it goes to??? ... And guess who still came back? My WH came back even tho I blew it many times. I eventually learned that I was only hurting myself. I found the benefit in DB and 180s for me and I started to let him go. But all the mistakes I made didn't ultimately change my outcome. And they were pretty ridiculous. Shenanigans really :-)

You see, Coly, no one expects you to be perfect. You are human. This is really, really hard stuff. Don't be even more hard on yourself. Love yourself. Love, learn, and live another day. I have no crystal ball on what Hs will do. But in the mean time, my goal is to come here and help some of you suffer a little less than I did. Perhaps not be as foolish too :-)

(((Coly)))

-Blu

-Blu
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[Coly23]

Hey Blu, you are right I am very hard on myself! I always feel such a failure and with H leaving I feel even more of a failure!

Thank you for sharing your experiences, some of them did make my giggle but I can imagine at the time how crazy you must have felt to have had to resort to doing those things. I've imagined all manner of things I would like to do to H to exact my revenge but then I think what's the point. Like you say it will only hurt me in the long run.

I don't know. I'm trying to detach from the sich but obviously keeping the door open for reconciliation but at the moment I'm not sure I want him back anymore. It could be because today has been a bad day. I really needed him here to help me with an issue with D and It's just made me feel completely abandoned by him....

[Cherry]

You are in no means a failure. And you need to see that for yourself and truly believe it. Are you seeing an ic? Maybe that would help a little? You truly are doing great. You should be proud of yourself for still getting by with life, it isn't easy. And it's all too easy when feeling hurt to hide away and cut yourself off from any kind of social life. But you haven't, you get up and go to work. You meet with friends, and you're an amazing mum, just look at what a bright young D you have- she has her head screwed on far more than a lot of 15 year olds, and more wisdom and logical thinking than a lot of adults, and this is because of you, and how you've raised her. That isn't a failure honey!

We all have these thoughts at some point I'm sure, unsure if you actually want them back. And it hurts when we feel let down from them. Just use those feelings of anger to spur you on to be more determined to be the best you can be.

You are doing good!! And I'm sure we have all had those thoughts on revenge. In my culture, the women are super feisty. I think some of my cousins would have for sure lost it. I guess I'm an exception to the stereotype. Not saying I haven't had my moments of these revenge attacks, but I just always think- what will I achieve. Will it really help me? Will it help the sitch..

[ForGump]

Coly- Hi.

[ForGump]

Coly- Hi. Remind me how your WH's relationship was w/ your daughter when things were good. Did they have a good relationship? A strong bond? Did he initiate? Did he seem to genuinely love your D?

[Coly23]

Hi Gump, sorry been MIA upon my own thread!

Gosh this is making me cry but yes they had/have (?) a very good relationship. Although he was her step Dad she loves him like he is her real Dad and he loves her like she is his own flesh and blood. When she was in hospital a few years ago and H was out of work for a couple of months he spent most of his days and nights with her in hospital so I didn't have to take too much time off work. He actually took her to the bathroom and held her hand/cuddled her when she needed it. Slept in uncomfortable hospital chairs night after night. We thought he was a keeper. He did it unconditionally.

Sometimes they were like two peas in a pod liking the same music, films, trainers!

But now she feels so let down, disappointed, angry and she is getting weary of his behaviour especially how he has moved on from us so quickly.

I've told her that it is up to her if she wants to continue a relationship with him. At the beginning I forced her to see him when she was very angry with him and I did that with her real Dad and it ended badly. So I have backed away. At her age she gets bored easily and he is never really sure what to do with her. She says a few times she went out with him he seemed to fly off the handle with situations that in the past he never would have done for example a parking meter not working!

Idk. I feel so frustrated about it all! I'm having a rubbish couple of days missing him really badly. I'm thinking of writing to D's real Dad to see if they can see each other again. I'm not sure if that is the right thing to do....

[Coly23]

Journaling- had a really busy work week so not a lot of time for GAL. D unwell this week too so didn't want go out and leave her. I'm definitely going to do a few things this weekend but nothing planned for definite. Maybe go to the gym and get out into the garden and get it ready for the Autumn/winter. Plant a few winter bulbs that sort of thing.

Soooo - miss impatient knickers is having a few withdrawal symptoms from going dark. I haven't had any contact with H since last Thursday except for seeing him for a couple of minutes to say hello when he dropped D off last Friday. He texted D on Monday and tried to call her on Tuesday but being a typical teenager she hasn't got back to him as she has more important things to do like talk incessantly to her friends on Face Time! Unfortunately he has moved way down in her list of priorities.

So I feel better for not texting him and having to wait hours for a response but I just miss him so much. I wish he would reach out to me just once. Going dark is almost a reinforcement of the rejection when they don't contact you.. :0(

[BluWave]

(((Coly)))

It's so hard isn't it. So many sleepless nights, emptiness, and sometimes just waiting. Often LBS find themselves waiting but not even sure what they are waiting for. A text? A change? A shred of hope? Life goes from seemingly normal to crisis mode and the icing on the cake is that we have lost all self worth and strength to recover or pull ourselves out of it.

I think the 180s and GAL serve as a distraction as much as the do a means to heal. I look back on so many times that I forced myself to do something, anything, just to get my mind off of H. I can still say that doing those things were better than stewing in my misery. It's about faking it until you make it. And honestly there were some great moments in that dark time--I built up Rs with wonderful people that I may not have otherwise. New friendships with people that don't know your H can be wonderful too.

One thing that I told myself that helped was that I knew I would not feel that way forever. Think about the hardships and losses you have experienced across your life. Can you recall the hardest one? Do you remember how you felt initially? Then a year later? Then several years later? Even if your perspective didn't change the intensity of the emotions will always fade over time. So part of your GAL is just buying that time. I promise this will not hurt so much down the road!

(((Coly)))

Blu

[Coly23]

Hey Blu, thanks for swinging by.

I do remember some really awful events in my life and how much they hurt at the time, even months down the line. When we lost our baby I didn't think I would ever be happy but I did smile again and I know I will this time.

Just sometimes i get these flashbacks of the things he said to me and the sheer look of hate and disgust on his face whilst I begged and pleaded for him to stay. I just need to get those memories out of my head but at the moment they are still too fresh. When I get these flashbacks I really wonder why I am fighting for someone who has broken me.

At the moment I'm doing a really good job of faking it at work but as soon as I get home I'm just a big mess! I know I will get through this and I will be stronger on the other side. Sometimes I have to be dragged kicking and screaming before I face up to things!

Thanks Blu!

[Cherry]

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, it is hard. But you have come on leaps and bounds since you arrived here.

I frequently ask myself why is still love someone who can treat me this way.

It's so sad to hear how he has gone towards D too, it kills me to see h ignore s. And I often wonder if he sees him so little when he is here, how will he be once he's gone. Hope you manage to fill a few things into the weekend that will bring you joy or make you happy.