Just keep plugging along

[cbtdad]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2690265&page=11
Link to my old thread

Went to MC today.
We discussed all the things that have been going on
It's really more about patience than anything else
Things are moving along positive and I really need to focus on the good and not dwell on what's not happening.
W mentioned that she is getting closer, but that also scares her
Makes her feel vulnerable
She is still worried that this will just be short lived
So just more time and patience

[cbtdad]

Its been a week since I've posted.
Things are still the same. I think that is what's bothering me.
I can tell my patience is getting shorter. My mind is also starting to go back to thinking bad things. Wondering if there is more to this. Is there someone else. Is she getting the attention that I'm not getting elsewhere.
I don't have any evidence or none of actions would lead to that. But it's stil in the back of my mind. I guess it's in the the back of my mind from the last time around. For so long she texted and carried on an EA that turned to PA eventually without my knowledge. So I think back to that time and starting thinking bad thoughts.

Anyways I was really coming in to vent.
I don't want to put time limits on anything, but it's getting harder and harder being in this relationship without things I need.
Both our MC and my IC says this can happen and it's a new cycle that we have to work through
Our MC said that this is a good thing because when we do have sex it will be because she wants to, not because she feels "pestered" to do so
Also that it is common for couples to have a hard time to going back to sharing bedroom.
My IC, who also does a large amount of MC, says that she sees this a lot because we get comfortable sleeping better, not worried about turning off tv, lights, etc
She suggested after I told her my wife laughter about what I said in MC that we need to go to store and get a long bed right away

[Coconut]

cbtdad,

You may be worried about OM because your not getting some and looking for a reason other than your W just doesn't feel that way about you.

But you would know if there was OM. that Wayward mindset is not easy for them to hide, you would see the disrespect and see her withdraw. From what you write, it sounds like she hasn't moved forward as much as you'd like, but it does not sound like she has withdrawn which is what she would do with OM around.

Just remember bud, you are getting through the really hard part, and your doing it in a healthy way, so it will have a good chance of lasting... keep building a solid foundation, a quickee would be more like building a house of cards.

[cbtdad]

Cnut thank you for the post. I needed that reminding.
This isn't a quick fix. It's a marathon and I want a long lasting marriage with my wife
Not a quick fix
Thanks. I really appreciate it

[Coconut]

I'm here for you buddy...

Remind me, besides IC, what have you been doing for you lately?

[cbtdad]

I work out 3-4 days a week. Try to read for at least 20 mins a day.
I started playing golf again. Also meeting up with old friends and catching up.
My biggest thing for me is learning that everything isn't about me and that I can't control things. The only person I have control over is me

[Coconut]

Ok, now let me ask you, what do you do that your PASSIONATE about? What are you doing that makes life worth living?

[Coconut]

You often hear about the gift of time on this site... You truly have it, she's in for the long haul, don't make it just about her, find your passion, find that glimmer in your soul.

[cbtdad]

Honestly Cnut that glimmer in my soul and my passion is for my son. For the first few years of his life I was not the man or father that I would want him to be. I was very absent and it really got to me when I pulled myself out of it. I've tried to do so much more for him and I've tried my best to set a good example. I get so much joy out of life being with him. He's my passion

On another note. W and I had a bit of tiff yesterday. I guess my vent here wasn't enough to get it out. I was rubbing her back while she was in bed and she pulled away and said, "it's too hot"
I got upset and stormed out saying something about how common that is to hear from someone having an affair. I could tell I was really upset, but obviously didn't stop it soon enough. Five minutes later I sent a text saying, "It's ALWAYS "too hot" I'm freaking fed up and tired of this"
I didn't get a response, but then heard her get up and get dressed. She went to go get in her car to leave. I yelled at her and said, "see there you go leaving again. Enjoy your affair"
So once again I lose my patience and then there goes my temper and filter. I was so disappointed in myself.
Fast forward to tonight. I was looking at instagram. I noticed she posted the following quote yesterday. "Never give people choices you don't want them to make"
Well I couldn't help myself. I go upstairs and ask her what that meant. She was half asleep. She said, "I was mad a you. I will tell you tomorrow"
Well I then go back downstairs. I send her a text, "make your choice. I have"
I don't even know what that means or why I sent it. I'm just so mad for some reason and I really don't know the exact reason.
Yesterday when things settled down I told her that I go to that negative place when things feel distant. Over the last week it has felt distant to me for some reason.
I start thinking about the bad things that happened last time. I feel as if I was Plan B and that we only reconciled because it didn't work out with OM.
Now I don't know if this is true or not because we put a bandaid on the whole situation and it really never got discussed in depth because that's not how she operates
She has zero empathy for my feelings when it comes to that and has even said so. Has straight up said she doesn't understand how I can worry about that and feel that way. That's very unsettling for me.
I'm at the point again where I start feeling that we are or I am delaying the inevitable. That this will end in divorce and that I am just putting it off.
My W states in MC that she didn't think I would have the patience to make it this far and that I would give up. Maybe she is right, because I have been doing so well, but it's just messing with me emotionally so much to not be involved physically with my W
It's certainly taking a toll on me

[Coconut]

Your S is your life, you do anything for him, enjoy spending time with him, but he is not your passion. I'm not saying you shouldn't find happiness in being with or taking care of your son, but he should see your passion for life outside of him, that's how he will learn to find happiness in life himself.

Happiness is found from within, passion makes a person ooze with happiness... If you find a passion, your focus will shift from looking at your MR to find happiness, and you will bring happiness into your MR. Your W will see your happiness, she will be attracted to your happiness, she will want to share in that happiness with you.

It's not easy to find passion, I look back at my life and see different passions at different times. Once I found passion in working out, it is no longer a passion for me, now I just do it and am happy I do it, but I'm not passionate about it. I was once passionate about volleyball, but now it's just fun, I don't wait in anticipation for the next game. Other passions I've once had that are now just fun are fishing, modifying cars, jai alai, mountain biking, bowling, etc..

I don't have a passion right now, I know I need one, I keep trying new things so I can find one, I want something that I desire to do and become the best I can be at it. You need to find a passion to bud, we all need our own passion in life.

I'm not going to comment on your comments to W, but I believe it demonstrates that you are angry because you are not getting what you want from someone else to make you happy. You can't control what she does, so you gotta find your happiness somewhere that you can control, inside yourself.