Well, had a decent night last night. Some friends from Germany came over and we grilled out and had some great conversations (and I actually ate 2 hot dogs!). W joined us for a large part of the evening and put her happy face on. As soon as they left, she went back to her normal cold/removed self...which is fine. I went to bed around 11, while she stayed up and texted OM until around 1am. I slept almost 5 hours last night which was good. I still can't get over how upset I am that she is texting him all the time. I understand I am supposed to let it go/GAL/focus on me, but man it really "grinds my gears" that she texts him all day and night even while laying in the bed next to me. Anyway, just venting...I can't believe how naive/senseless someone with so much intelligence can be...how does she not see this is such a bad thing to do!!!! It is absolutely mind blowing! No matter how much I read here it is still mind blowing!
Originally Posted By: Coconut
Originally Posted By: Coconut
Personally, next time she brought up OM, I would tell her that I will not be in a three person marriage, and I will not share my life or my bed, with someone having an A. I would tell her she needs to find someplace else to sleep (another room or another house), I would go as dark as possible while still living in same house (you don't have kids so its pretty easy).
lost, boundaries are personal, as they dictate what you personally will and will not tolerate, and depending how important those things are to you, how severe your consequence is for doing those things. With that said, I personally would not put up with her texting OM while around me, and definitely not in my bed.. Just a suggestion, but you could start with my example above and tell her you will not stand for her carrying on an A in your presence, and she needs to find somewhere else to be...
Originally Posted By: lostasf
This is one of the reasons I was so concerned with finding out what actions are available to me if a boundary is crossed after the boundary is stated. I have been following your advice to just go dark with her, but the constant texting is eating me up inside. If I don't do something logical in the relative near future, then I will most certainly do something illogical. My mind and heart simply can't continue on this trajectory. They will eventually fold, and when they do, there is no telling what that outcome will be. There has not and will not be a time that SHE brings up OM..so I can't wait for that. I am truly trying to give myself a few days like you suggested, and I think I can give myself a couple more, but then all bets are off. So it would be wise to have a plan rather than not.
Originally Posted By: lostasf
Yes, I know she is texting him. Not just a guess, I have taken a peak. She is texting her sister at the same time, but DEFINITELY texing him. Matter of fact, I peaked today and saw that there last message between her and OM was at 1:07AM and read "Define Successfully". Now, I can not physically unlock the phone I can only see that by looking from the "recently opened apps" screen.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I'm going to hope that some vets stop bye and chime in here.. because although I fully understand what to do, It's been pointed out many a times that sometimes my timing and methods aren't always the best.
WONKA, Sandi2, any other vets, can you provide suggestions on how he should approach his WW to set the boundary, or if it would better to enforce the boundary and tell her about it if/when she questions why her stuff is out of the bedroom?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You tell her to stop texting her OM while in bed. She doesn't. She claims it's none of your business. Or that she's only texting her sister. You ask her to leave. She doesn't. You put grab her stuff and put it outside the door. She brings it back in. What then? You'd better think this through.
I did things without thinking it through, and it brought me to a place that I regretted.
Find a way to keep your dignity, a way to keep your integrity.
I feel for you, and I know you're going crazy. I wouldn't have lasted a night next to my W texting an OM.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You tell her to stop texting her OM while in bed. She doesn't. She claims it's none of your business. Or that she's only texting her sister. You ask her to leave. She doesn't. You put grab her stuff and put it outside the door. She brings it back in. What then? You'd better think this through.
I did things without thinking it through, and it brought me to a place that I regretted.
Find a way to keep your dignity, a way to keep your integrity.
I feel for you, and I know you're going crazy. I wouldn't have lasted a night next to my W texting an OM.
ForG is right. Boundaries are something we personally enforce to protect ourselves and within our control. We cannot make someone else do something because we don't like it. That's not setting a boundary.
If he tries to kick her out, it will most likely play out like ForG said.
So, as I see it, you have one of two choices. Stay in the bed while she does what she wants, or you could leave the room, and when she asks why, you can tell her why.
The only way you can stay away from her texting OM while in bed is not being in the bed.
Grab phone, step on it, and slowly grind it into a pile of its component parts? Then pee all over it? I kid. Sort of.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
lost, don't leave the MBR... When I found out about OM, I very sternly told my WW that I would not share the bedroom, she fought about it, and then left the MBR... She won't like it, but doesn't mean she won't go. It was a big issue with W, but I held my ground and she left.
Not sharing your marital bed with a wayward wife is not controlling, it is you not tolerating an open marriage. You'll get the advice you need to set the boundary, just be patient.. Not saying any advice you received is wrong, just not helpful for the path you are trying to take.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
lost, don't leave the MBR... When I found out about OM, I very sternly told my WW that I would not share the bedroom, she fought about it, and then left the MBR... She won't like it, but doesn't mean she won't go. It was a big issue with W, but I held my ground and she left.
Not sharing your marital bed with a wayward wife is not controlling, it is you not tolerating an open marriage. You'll get the advice you need to set the boundary, just be patient.. Not saying any advice you received is wrong, just not helpful for the path you are trying to take.
Coconut, what if she refuses? Is she to physically throw her out? he could give her the speech and she can say "no, my bed too" Your wife chose to agree. What if she didn't?
Then he shuts off the phone. She gets another one in her own name and continues with the texting. Is it awfully disrespectful? Absolutely! I don't agree with it.
The thing about boundaries are they have to be enforceable. The only way you can enforce them is taking action yourself.
I'm not saying leaving the MBR is the best idea. I'm just saying if you want to ensure you are removed from the situation, the only way is to take your self out.
personal example. I did not want OW around my baby D. I told my ex how it made me feel, that I will not allow it....
Did he listen? of course not. I couldn't make him. I could only legally make sure she wasn't left alone with her.
If you want to take a shot and see if it works, be my guest. But if it doesn't? Then you need a plan.
