Tell me what to do!!!

[AndrewP]

Zanadoo - A couple of important things here that may be hard truths.

I had a friend yesterday tell me that they think my husband is having an affair but I really have no idea.

Yes - your H may be having an A
No - there's nothing you can do about it unless you want to be the one pushing for a D. You can't control him.

But wouldn't I be finding little bits of something or something would kind of be going around town? My friend told me to look at phone records and I don't want to snoop.

I live in a small village myself where the rumours run rampant. Just because you're not hearing about it doesn't mean that it's not being talked about if it's happening. "The spouse is the last to know" is often true. If people push you with rumours about your H, just say "He's a big boy and doesn't listen to me any more and can make his own messes" or something of that sort.

Snooping is something that we all do and it's something that we all regret. It twists you up no matter if you find anything or not. In fact it will give you gut punches when you are least able to endure them. Don't snoop. P.S. - Yes I do still snoop on what my W is up to myself by looking at her Facebook page and yes it hurts.

Your friends and family will all mean well and will all give you lots of advice on what you should or should not be doing. By coming here I can assume you want to reconcile with your H, reunite your little family and build a new marriage together. If people are giving you advice to not do that, then thank them kindly but say that you have made up your mind and appreciate their love and support.

One image that might help you is to imagine that both you and your H are lost in the fog. You are both wandering around in your own paths. What you need to do is to stop wandering and build yourself into a lighthouse. A shining beacon of a great Mom and a firecracker of a woman. It will take time for you to build this lighthouse. You'll need a good foundation and lay on courses of stones before finally lighting that beacon on the top. Your H and other people will probably wander by as you're doing this and think "Hey - a lighthouse!" and then wander off. He may even try to move in to the lighthouse before it's done. Once you feel confident and whole in yourself your beacon will light for all to see. Then and only then can you allow your H inside but first he'll need to make sure that he will abide by the rules of the lighthouse, not track mud on the floor and help polish the windows. Buried in the reading is the "Lighthouse Story" which I quite like. There's a corollary to it though - remember - you'll be the lighthouse, not the tugboat. Lighthouses don't run all over the island looking to be seen.

And yes - I write long stories with weird metaphors. I hope you get what I'm talking about. This is not an overnight process or a quick fix. I'm sorry my dear, but you've started on a journey that is going to take some time. How much time? No one can say.