Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #5]

[ForGump]

It's common for LBS's to say, after some DB-ing, "I don't want my old spouse back." But if I recall one of MWD's books, the premise of DB-ing is that unless there is violence and/or substance abuse, just about any marriage can be and should be saved. That seems to imply that the old marriage is OK.

That reminds of various NY Times articles about why some marriages work: they work because people make it work. I remember an advice from a mother quoted there, "The key to not getting divorced is to stay married."

In contrast, popular psychologist/expert-on-infidelity Esther Perel does say in her new TED talk that when there has been infidelity, the old marriage is dead, and the question is whether the spouses want to build a new marriage.

I guess the difference in the two outlooks is related to just how much damage has been done to the existing marriage. When there has been infidelity and waywardness, it's too late to keep the old marriage. You can only build anew.

Some people say divorce is just paperwork but often it isn't. The process of divorce itself -- the negotiating and arguing over child custody and property -- can damage the relationship further.