Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

CT1118,

Thanks for taking the time to post. I always find your posts make me think.

Share this w/ s6 30+ years from now when someone asks him why he feels the need to be in control. This is where a need to control begins.

I am afraid your right on this. I also believe despite what people say children aren't always so resilient and will be fine. We can do our best to help them, but when they see their family get torn apart at such a young age it will have an effect on them. That is one of my W's biggest issues. Her parents divorced when she was 6 and she is still dealing with that divorce 30 years later. My S6 is a lot like my wife and I fear that he might not make it thru this without a lot of hurt and depression. I will do what I can do to help him, but its really a lot for a small child to handle. I can't even handle it that well so how can I expect a 6 year old to be ok.

Also, are you familiar with tools of action? Don't answer, I'll tell you - tools of action connect human actors with non-human actors and back to human actors. Your wife's cell phone is a toll in her A (same as if gender roles reversed), your phone/computer/tablet is a tool of action for your spying on her A. You get into your car and follow her car, both cars are tools of action. You get it, now, can you limit time with those tools long enough to get beyond the craving? She can't, no she can't at all - to the MLC, the phone is more valuable than gold. To me, my wife's phone is her A. Yup...perspective dude. I bet you hate that f-ing thing when you see it, don't you?

Tools of action...yeah I have a problem with my spying. I can go a few days (I went 4 days last week) without spying but then something will trigger it and I will need to spy. That is what happened yesterday when I saw her name change on facebook. I was doing well, I was in a good place and then I found out about the name change and I'm back to the beginning starting over.

Speaking of her tool of action (her phone). She cannot be apart from it. Before she started her EA I would get frustrated with her when I would try to call her because she wouldn't answer. She would be downstairs and her phone would be upstairs. She never seemed to have it around or she would misplace it. I can't tell you the number of times I had to call her phone so she could hear it ringing and be able to find it. Now it might as well be glued to her hand. If I text her now, i get a response back in seconds.

This is me learning: How much about you is currently the same as who you were 8 years ago?

Unfortunately, I didn't learn anything from 8 years ago so the same faults/problems that led to that sitch are the same that led to this one. In the winter of 2008/2009 she started an EA with a guy in Ohio (we were living in AZ). I was angry and we fought, but after a while I didn't care. I didn't know anything about DBing at the time but I basically detached from her. I also was GALing. Her EA went on for around 2 months or so. It ended when she flew to Ohio to see him, they made out in some bar and she called me from her parents house to tell me. When she got back home I basically cut off all contact with her. I lived in the guest room and didn't hardly see her. I would work evenings sometimes and weekends so our paths didn't really cross that much. I had pretty much given up on getting back together with her but I wasn't going to file for divorce. At some point I came home from work and found divorce papers on my bed. I remember looking at them and tossing them in the drawer of my nightstand. She asked me later if I was going to sign them and I told her no. We lived like this for a few more weeks or so. One night I was bored and starting looking on my computer at dating websites. I wasn't really looking to date, but I was just curious what was out there since I figured I'd be getting a divorce at some point. A day or 2 later I come home and my W is angry and confronts me in the kitchen about the websites I had visited. Apparently she looked at the history and saw where I had went to. She was upset and crying. I kind of blew her off and went to my room. The next couple of weeks we started talking and before we knew it we were back together.

Unfortunately, we never worked on our problems and that is why I'm back in the same situation. I wish I could get that attitude I had back then though. I really got to a point where I didn't care. I know I wasn't scared back then like I am now. I was more angry than anything. I think the main difference in my attitude between then and now is my kids. I didn't have any kids back then to worry about. All we owned between us was a house (which she could have because I hated it) and a car (which she could have because I had my own). If our M wouldn't have worked out I would have packed up and got on with my life. With the current sitch it's my kids that I think mentally keep me from having that attitude. I just want this M to work for not only me but for our family.

This one frustrates does it not Eagle11? He is right tough, the better answers come in this form. There are some old posts here where (if you did) people come to DB for help and then get flooded with vet DB'rs arguing over going straight to LRT or hanging in for love, or standing, or getting tough - its a true nightmare to read, as with each contradicting argumentative post your confused mind is going "yes that's it, no that's it, wait that's it." Someone just saying its your choice is really the better option - Drew is at least acknowledging that there are two choices.

I would suggest they can intertwine and/or get one way for a bit and then go another. I would give you a direct example from my life, but I do not live w/ her and you do, so it may not be right for me to do so, so I won't.

This is the most frustrating thing for me. I need to find a way to figure this out. I don't think with my W and her mental state being tough with her is the best option. With her abandonment issues, her rape issues, daddy issues I think being tough with her will push her over the edge. I also know I can't be too easy on her either. She and I are acting as friends right now. We haven't argued since really the week this started. She hasn't shown me any anger for a while. If I could figure out some type of hybrid of the two it might work.