Confused on What to Do 2

[Eagle11]

Eric

How do you plan to start changing it?

I honestly don't know the correct answer. I have to figure it out. I know I have been reading and learning from others on here. I have got books that were recommended to me. I am seeing a therapist. I have to figure out a plan and I have to do it soon. I have to become more decisive.

Another issue….to work on. What are you going to do about it?

I have to get back to doing the things I enjoy doing. I need to do things for myself. My W has always felt I was selfish (and I was at times), so I have been reluctant to do things I used to always do. Even last weekend. I wanted to go on the hike but I couldn't do it because she had to work at the last minute.

I used to play in a lot of golf tournaments and I was a very good amateur golfer. I've played in state tournaments and I have one my fair share of local tournaments. I haven't played a round of golf since this all started.

Okay….what did that life look like? Describe it to me (in detail).

My dreams were to get a good education (I did), find a great job that I loved doing (I didn't), find a woman to marry (I found 2 so far), have kids (I have 2), Own a nice house in a nice part of the country (I just bought a house in June). I wanted to be a great father (getting better) and a great husband (not so much).

I would like to think you are being honest all the time. So what beside beauty do you look for in a partner?

Beauty gets me interested in the other person but I want someone who is fun to be with and my W was certainly that at the beginning. She was such a free spirit and I wasn't. In many ways we were opposites. She says she is introverted but not like me. I loved her spontaneity and the fact the she seemed to be really enjoying life. She never complained and she was always there for me. Over the years that changed in her and I think it was more me changing her than her wanting to change. I think I became too negative and that really brought her down. I think my negativity started when we bought a house when we lived in AZ. She really wanted a house and didn't really care where it was or how much it cost. This was right before the housing bust and we overpaid for a house that was too far from our jobs. I tried to talk her out wanting the house but her mind was set. From then on I started worrying about money. It was also the first time in our M that I felt I didn't have a say in a big decision. We were going to buy that house regardless of what I had to say. I actually spoke up back then, but was shot down and then just gave in to her.

What if I told you that the best chance you have to be with your W is to let her go completely? Like 100%...like no more snooping….like no more talking…. Would you do it?

That's a hard one to answer. I can give up on the snooping. I need to give up on the snooping. My life would be so much better if I gave up on the snooping. If I could just forget my phone account password my life would be better. Letting her go completely is a hard one. I know I have to get to that point, but I'm not there yet.

Yes it is…and guess what…when you really start digging it get even harder.

I have been so hard on myself. I'm much harder on myself than I am my W through this. I just feel if I could have realized what I had become we wouldn't be in this sitch.

Own 100% of YOUR half. Do not own her half. That is one her. Notice…your taking the ownership for the entire M. Look dude, you, me, Ginger, Drew, your kids….No ONE caused your W to go crazy. She has not dealt with her issues – that is on HER. No one suggested that she start seeing two OM – that is on HER. Yes, you have chit to work on. Work on that and leave her to her own issues.

Thank you. I have gotten to the point where I don't blame myself for the OM. My therapist really helped me with this. I do still blame myself for the M though. I know she has had her faults, but I keep thinking of things I didn't do to make the M work.

Maybe Eagle…instead of trying to talk your way out you do something different (DB101) – maybe the something different is to say NOTHING. Not lie and say something else.

This all came about when I found out about the pain she has been in with her dad and stepdad. She broke down and said she felt abandoned by them. She felt that everybody leaves her. This was also before OM2 came into the picture. I told her I wasn't mad and I wouldn't abandon her. She was going to therapy at the time, I naively thought she would try to work her issues out. The OM was "just a texting friend". A couple of weeks later there is another OM and I felt like an idiot. Now I feel since I told her I wouldn't abandon her then I won't. I know that is stupid, but that's what i did.

If I were a betting man….I have a feeling you did not say you were angry because you were afraid that she would push for the divorce.

It might have been part of it, but I was caught up in the emotions. She had broken down and was crying like I have never seen her cry before. She was pouring her heart out to me like she never had. I honestly thought this might have been a turning point, but I of course was wrong.

You fear her because you do not trust YOURSELF. You fear her because you have not deal with YOUR fear. Own it and stop blaming her.

I agree

1) How can you make any decisions if you do not know who you are?
2) Guess what? Right now YOU my friend can decide who YOU want to be. YOU have full control over it.
3) Who you were really does not matter. That is looking backwards and will keep you stuck. Look forward Eagle….figure out WHO you really want to be.
4) As for time….it takes as long as it takes. The key is to move forward…step by step.
So….who does EAGLE want to be?

1.I have no idea
2. I need to figure this out
3. I know
4. I need to have patience.
It's not a good feeling to be almost 40 years old and have no idea who you want to be in life.

I need to detach and find myself. I need to GAL. I have to start doing these things. I will try and have a good weekend or couple days, but then I slip back up into this mess. I actually had a good 4 or 5 days where I thought I was detaching from the sitch and then yesterday I was back to the beginning starting over again.

Thanks for the taking the time to help. I really need it.