Tell me what to do!!!

[Cherry]

Hey! Thought I'd pop over after andrewp told me a little about your story. I can relate to your feelings, we are of similar age and have the same kind of man child h. Plus, both young mothers, I have a 2 year old and I'm 4 months pregnant.

I know you will feel like everything is completely hopeless or out of your hands, we all feel like that. Especially when we first get here, but you are making the right move coming here. Post, vent, let it all out in this safe place. I'm glad you've read db and had a couple of counselling sessions.

Wrt him wanting you to help with the d, maybe this is an attempt to blame shift. If you help him, he would be able to turn round and say "well you helped me", "you didn't stop me". What I said to my h, was that I did not want this, and there is no way I will help you to do any of the heavy lifting. Maybe seek an L for a free consultation (sneaky tip from me, I sought out one of the best D L's in the country, had a consultation, learnt my rights and where I stand, this meant that my h couldn't use this L due to conflict of interest). I found when I knew my rights, I felt a little more comfort that yes this isn't what I want, but it gave me some control.

I wouldn't leave the house or get a new car. Why should you? He wanted this, so he deals with the consequences.

How do you get on with your in laws? Are they supportive of you too?

You say he does see your child, how often and how are the arrangements? My h was always an amazing dad- but now he rarely see something our S. Your h is a similar age to mine, I do wonder if both our h's are freaking out at the thought of being a dad. I guess it's easier as a mother, we nurture and build that bond as soon as we are pregnant. They don't have that, and I think they can become jealous at the fact that when a baby is born, our attention goes to the baby, the father kind of gets pushed aside a little, and may get jealous that we no longer can give them our undivided attention. Your h has also run straight back to his parents, this seems to me as if he is a bit scared he has responsibilities, he isn't exactly out there in the real world, living alone paying bills etc. He also puts his social life first, this is also a trait my h has. They are living like teenagers, free to come and go as they please.

I'm not surprised that your confidence has been knocked. Learning that your spouse cheated on you is a massive confidence killer. I'll bet these girls weren't a patch on you- it would be all about how they feel, a confidence boost to them. What I do want you to do is get back in touch with the old you. Becoming a mom is a huge transition as a woman, but it doesn't need to define you. I am so much more than a mom, and I've slowly learnt how to get back in touch with me. Do you have friends/family close by? People that you can see to do a little something fun for you for a few hours, and a trusted person you can leave your child with for a few hours? Everyone here will tell you to GAL, but it's for a very good reason. A few hours out can really soothe the soul, give you a chance to connect back to you and have fun for a few hours. And the knock on effect will be positive for those around you. I was hesitant at first, thinking it made me a bad mom to leave my S with someone for a few hours, but it really doesn't, your child needs you happy and becoming that strong woman you were, she's still there- your confidence is knocked that's all.

Is there times of the day you feel sadder? I find the evenings when the little one is in bed to be worse. So I made sure to claim that bit of evening for me. I give myself a little mani/pedi, but a facemask on, watch some easy tv that won't get me thinking. Don't take me as a vain person, but I've always had a lot of attention from the males (I've never seen myself as attractive, I have some confidence issues, but others constantly tell me I'm attractive), I'm not slutty in any way/ I'm always covered, but I find since becoming a mom I feel more confident, we brought life into the world, embrace it. I still catch up on regular highlights, brow waxing etc, wear nice clothes. Again, not shallow, but it boosts my confidence and my self esteem I find, so whatever helps I do it. The added bonus is that men are visual, if you see your h, he will notice.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit. Last thing is, don't believe anything they say. This is so true, they will spew whatever is in there head at that time. Read the thread on validating, this really helps with conversations (I practice this daily with anyone I speak to). Validating isn't agreeing- but allowing them to own there feelings without saying they are right or wrong.

I know it's been said not to get your hopes up, but it's really not over until you want it to be. Think of the d as a bit of paperwork, that's all it is. It doesn't define your r at all.

First thing I want you to do is connect with you, find you again and be the best person you can be. Leave him be to his crazy behaviour, we can't control them, but we can control us. Good luck honey!