Cherry.Papers filed "am I making a mistake".focus!

[Cherry]

The "talk" we apparently needed to have still hasn't happened. There's been a good few hours of the day we have been at home. I eventually asked him, he said he was about to go out.

Still just feeling quite fed up. Spent a day being sick and struggling to hold even fluid down so eating ice cubes like there's no tomorrow. I guess I'm fairly wrapped up in feeling unwell today that it's just making me a bit down and fed up of the situation with him. Still, I kept my distance and I think this shall be my stance. He's out this evening (surprise). But I kinda feel calmer. No spew opportunities. But I do hate when any one says to me, "I need to tell you something, but not now". Regardless of who it is, I usually react in panic mode. Constant worrying, this has been a trait for as long as I can remember. I'm kinda getting better at this. Telling myself, it's out of my control. So this is another of my behaviours that I'm trying to mend. I might not have saved my m, but I think I'm saving myself.

My ex before wh was verbally very abussive. It came to a stage that nothing I did was right, and I never knew what would set him of. I remember making him a cup of tea once and erupted that I put the milk in the cup first. It led to a violent rage and throwing the cup. He made a confident woman turn into a nervous wreck. It took me a long time to walk. But I did (and he wouldn't leave me alone wanting me back). In a matter of a few months (maybe 2) I got with wh. And he was amazing and so caring, I felt protected from him. The thing is, my ex did a lot of damage to me, I was a broken woman, and I don't think I started to build myself back up until bd1 in 2015. So I think now, I'm fully trying to identify these issues within myself and build me back fully into the woman I was.