Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #5]

[ForGump]

Previous threads: 1, 2, 3, and 4.

Recap: it's mostly in my sig. My W is a fairly high-functioning sufferer of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and a few other co-occurring mental issues. Recently things came to a head where I found myself losing self-respect, and I realized it was time to change course, or at least accept my fate. Everything happening now -- the wheels were set in motion a long time ago, and to struggle against it directly is folly. When surfing, if you are caught in a fast rip-current, you don't paddle straight against it. You paddle diagonally out of the current.

I busted nothing, and I will bust nothing. But I am going to survive and be a better person for it.

I thank countless people who have given me support in my threads: CT1118, JRuss, albac, Coly23, AndrewP, Surfer, lt0402, mulesqb, Cherry, PsySara, Hawker, SmithyC, sandi2, and countless others.

But I'm still immensely sad for my kids, and, actually, even for my W who is suffering through all this as well.

[ForGump]

For all of us men (or women) who are still waiting for the woman they thought they married:

Amos Lee - Arms Of A Woman

[hawker]

Good song FG!! ugh..I wish they would take us back home..

[mulesqb]

I will bust nothing.

You already have.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[CT1118]

You already have.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Can I get an Amen!

[ForGump]

ugh..I wish they would take us back home..

I don't want my current W back -- it's as if an alien has taken her over.

I don't want my old W back -- that marriage is over.

I do want a great woman back -- I think that is possible if she woke from from her fog and sought counseling and treatment.

"I am at ease in the arms of a woman
Although now
most of my days i spend alone.
A thousand miles,
from the place i was born."

[ForGump]

It's common for LBS's to say, after some DB-ing, "I don't want my old spouse back." But if I recall one of MWD's books, the premise of DB-ing is that unless there is violence and/or substance abuse, just about any marriage can be and should be saved. That seems to imply that the old marriage is OK.

That reminds of various NY Times articles about why some marriages work: they work because people make it work. I remember an advice from a mother quoted there, "The key to not getting divorced is to stay married."

In contrast, popular psychologist/expert-on-infidelity Esther Perel does say in her new TED talk that when there has been infidelity, the old marriage is dead, and the question is whether the spouses want to build a new marriage.

I guess the difference in the two outlooks is related to just how much damage has been done to the existing marriage. When there has been infidelity and waywardness, it's too late to keep the old marriage. You can only build anew.

Some people say divorce is just paperwork but often it isn't. The process of divorce itself -- the negotiating and arguing over child custody and property -- can damage the relationship further.

[ForGump]

I began discussing custody, alimony and property with my W tonight via email. I think we are likely on the same page about custody. Property too, because neither of us is particularly materialistic. I don't know about alimony, yet.

I want it to feel OK about doing this. It doesn't feel catastrophic. So that's good. Or not. I don't know. Previously, I felt horrible about it because my feelings always focused on what it meant for the kids. Now, I don't feel my emotional focus going there, which I feel guilty about. If I focus on my kids, I will become distraught. But it feels like my brain, my body, is able to be more selfish, to be focused more on me, how I need to feel. How dealing with my BPD/MLC/WW has just worn me into the ground. I feel numb.

In a way, I feel like I have failed my kids. But I also feel like I have given all that I can, all that I am able to give.

[Coly23]

Gump, you haven't failed your kids. You have tried really hard to avoid D so why is that failure?

I also keep beating myself up about failing my D. Putting her in a position whereby I put our lives and trust in the hands of a weak, selfish man. But you know when we get married we dont know that these things are going to happen so maybe failure is only possible when you attempt something you know will never work? But still that's not a bad thing otherwise we won't ever do anything because we are afraid of failing...

I'm not very eloquent with my words or very academic so all the above may not make any sense so I apologise if I have confused you!!!

[ForGump]

I appreciate your being there, Coly. Your voice helps.

It sounded to me like your WH was quite a good father to you D, so you had no idea he'd be so unreliable now.

We should both try to beat ourselves up less, I suppose.

It's not logical though -- it just feels that way.

I have been trying to tell myself that after the D, I can make a happy, healthy, joyful home with my W, a home that the kids will be glad to come home to. I think I believe it, even if it doesn't quite cheer me up as much as I hope it would.

Greetings from 8 time zones away...