Confused on What to Do 2

[ericmsant2]

I've read the first 25 page thread you posted on here about your sitch and I've gotten through about 1/2 of the 39 page thread you posted. When I was reading them it was scary how you talk about how you were feeling is so similar to what I am going through now. I can relate to a lot of what you went through. It has also interesting to see how uncertain you were at the time because all the interaction I have had with you is of a confident man who is sure of himself. It is almost like your posts were from a different guy than the one that has been helping me out. Hopefully I can get to the place you are in now.

I was a very different man. I was a man struggling with fear….

Until I DECIDED and CHOOSE to change it.

You can get to the same place brother – it just takes work.

This is one of the biggest things I need to work on. I am very aware that I can change, it's just the believing in myself that is the hard part.

How do you plan to start changing it?

“hey ericmsant2….you’re on fire. I know, I know, but…but…but…I’m going to…but…but…”

Vs.

“hey ericmsant2…you’re on fire. I know – I’m jumping in the pool”

Eagle, right now…you keep talking…it is time to start ACTING and I am not suggesting you throw your W out. I am suggesting it is time to start really digging deep. Let me show you.

Another issue I need to work on. I am not sure I love myself or what I have become.

Another issue….to work on. What are you going to do about it?

Loving yourself is an ACTION. It is not some unseen mysterious thing. It is a series of actions. If you like to hike, then loving yourself is planning and actually going on a hike. I suspect that you probably feel that IF you do this you will somehow be perceived as being selfish. Taking a little time for YOU is not selfish – it is healthy.

My lack of self confidence in myself I feel is a contributing factor and something I need to turn around.

And what is YOUR plan to turn it around? Once again..I see you talking – I do not see actions or a plan.

I guess when I was younger I had dreams of what life would be like as I got older and this is not it.

Okay….what did that life look like? Describe it to me (in detail).

I will be honest, if I didn't find her attractive I probably would not have asked her for a 2nd date. This might make me shallow, but I have never dated a women that I didn't find attractive. Some were more attractive than the others and my W was by far the most attractive woman I have ever been with.

I would like to think you are being honest all the time. So what beside beauty do you look for in a partner?

I do make a lot of excuses, I know I do.

And what are YOU going to do about changing it. Hopefully you do not respond with ….I know BUT…

I can assure you that I want to be with my W and I don't really feel going through all this is easier than getting a divorce.

What if I told you that the best chance you have to be with your W is to let her go completely? Like 100%...like no more snooping….like no more talking…. Would you do it?

I could also skip out on working on myself instead of taking responsibility. Then find a job and the kids and I go live our lives.

Funny….I do not see you talking responsibility for YOUR choices. I do see you blaming your W’s craziness. I do see you sometime playing the martyr. The kids…the kids…there home… You seem to redirect ownership of YOUR choices and instead of taking action…your fallback is “but the kids”.

This stuff is hard. Having to look inside myself and all my faults.

Yes it is…and guess what…when you really start digging it get even harder.

Having to figure out how I got to this point in life and M.

Own 100% of YOUR half. Do not own her half. That is one her. Notice…your taking the ownership for the entire M. Look dude, you, me, Ginger, Drew, your kids….No ONE caused your W to go crazy. She has not dealt with her issues – that is on HER. No one suggested that she start seeing two OM – that is on HER. Yes, you have chit to work on. Work on that and leave her to her own issues.

I have gotten better, but when I saw her change the facebook name I began snooping.

What usually happens after a BUT? Pssst…hint – EXCUSE.

I need to figure out how I to face it.

So what is the first ACTION or STEP?

Everyday I think about getting a divorce

DB101 – change YOUR thoughts.

I really do love my W, but she does make me angry even though I have told her I am not angry at her.

Is not being true to yourself…someone you want to be? You ever heard the saying…if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing.

Maybe Eagle…instead of trying to talk your way out you do something different (DB101) – maybe the something different is to say NOTHING. Not lie and say something else.

I guess I have told her I wasn't angry at her because I don't understand her emotional state.

If I were a betting man….I have a feeling you did not say you were angry because you were afraid that she would push for the divorce.

She is also impulsive and doesn't think things through. That is why I think I fear her.

You fear her because you do not trust YOURSELF. You fear her because you have not deal with YOUR fear. Own it and stop blaming her.

I truly don't know who I am or who I want to be. I have to find a way to figure it out. I am confused on what I should do and how much time it should take.

1) How can you make any decisions if you do not know who you are?
2) Guess what? Right now YOU my friend can decide who YOU want to be. YOU have full control over it.
3) Who you were really does not matter. That is looking backwards and will keep you stuck. Look forward Eagle….figure out WHO you really want to be.
4) As for time….it takes as long as it takes. The key is to move forward…step by step.
So….who does EAGLE want to be?

I have heard 2 different theories on how to respond. Some say don't take this from her while others say to leave her alone and don't start conflict with her. I have obviously taken the 2nd way.

Actually BOTH theories CAN lead to you to the same place. The different is HOW and IF you choose to do the work. Look man, you can beat your chest, throw your W out, play the “manly man” thing if you will OR you could CHOOSE to DETACH, GAL, work on yourself and enforce boundaries. Your first step is DETACHMENT and GAL. You are not detach because your afraid of what SHE may do. You do not GAL because YOU are afraid of what she may do. You do not have boundaries because YOU are afraid of what she may do.

When you stop being afraid……

When you really detach….

When you really KNOW who you WANT to be….

When you really start ACTING and WORKING to address YOUR issues…

Well then buddy……

Your W may come back.

The cool thing…..is that even if she doesn’t it will be on YOUR terms.

Truth and honor….